Monthly Archives: May 2026

When you feel like… rubbish

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Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord: O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you, O Lord, kept a record of wrongs, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning…

(Ps 130.1-6)

Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

(Ps 143.7-9)

…he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

(2 Cor 12.9)

The enemy of God’s children dearly loves to bring them down, to distract and convince them that God doesn’t really mean what he says, and can’t be trusted.. I have to remind myself of this regularly, especially when, after a recent blog post in which I chose to firmly assert the deeply accepting and affirming love of my heavenly Father, I find myself assailed and overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy, failure and a very strong desire to give up…

I know that our feelings don’t tell the whole story, but, for myself, I find they dominate the narrative very loudly, and it can be hard to live in a godly way with them. The current wave of negativity has become quite overwhelming, and I am having to force myself to find external things to focus on. I am thankful for duties and commitments which require me to listen and engage with others and ignore the internal noise.  I pray and trust that the season will pass soon, but just now, I need to be honest with my Father since only he really sees and understands me, and with him I can share my distress confidently, knowing I am held in love and cherished. The psalms give us a wonderful template for such lamentation, and remind us that God has always invited his precious children to cast their cares upon him – what a blessing!

Father, your child is feeling so fed up of herself and all the ways she falls short of perfection – how ridiculous that sounds, but you understand! She sees wise, learned, godly people, full of grace, serene and confident in you, steady in counsel and always joyful in service… and she sees herself, so far from these things in spite of her years, your grace and the teaching and example of so many saints. Is it alright that she is not ‘that kind of christian’? Remind her of your faithfulness, your mercy and your tender love which delights in her – even when she cannot delight in what you have made her.

Father, your child is appalled by her own indifference and lack of motivation to apply herself to learning, to the disciplines of growing faith, to the business of working in your harvest field. She sees others labouring with energy, praying with passion, and she is ashamed at her own lack of belief in the possibility of changed lives, of kingdom-building. Remind her of your power, which IS at work all around us all the time, whether we see it or not, and of your purpose which will be fulfilled.

Father, your child sees the years ahead and cringes away from the prospect of ageing, of life-narrowing. It all looks so grim and miserable, and she has no appetite for living victoriously in the face of such challenges. She is ashamed of such negativity, ashamed that her story seems always to be that of the fearful pilgrim, expecting the worst, and stepping out so reluctantly. Remind her that you have always been faithful, and that it is your strength which is her security. Remind her that the weakest vessels display your power and grace most marvellously, and that she need not be ashamed or depressed at the prospect of being such a vessel!

Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

For the love of God is broader…

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The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

(Zeph. 3.17)

Praise, O servants of the Lord, praise the name of the Lord. Let the name of the Lord be praised, both now and for evermore. From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised.

The Lord is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens. Who is like the Lord our God, the One who sits enthroned on high who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?

(Ps 103.1-6)

Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on him, and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

(Isaiah 55.6-9)

Do you ever let your mind wander over the incredible diversity of the church of Christ which – to his glory – exists all around our world today? Sometimes, I am filled with awe, worshipping and praising our God whose love and power to save is represented by all these people who call on Jesus as Lord. And sometimes, I am filled with shame, as I look at the deep, and often bitter, divisions which keep us apart from one another, and all the ways that we dishonour Christ by our judgemental attitudes – to our fellow believers as well as to those who do not know him.

How easily we fall into criticism, into doubt about another person’s faith just because their lives don’t quite fit the mould we have created as the ‘right’ one for a believer. Who am I to decide what faith looks like for anyone else? Have I forgotten that I too am a redeemed sinner, who will not be fully perfected until glory, and until then I will only be doing the best that I can day-by-day according to my circumstances, and the knowledge and ability which I have! No single denomination, nation, or individual has a monopoly on what it takes to make someone’s saving faith works itself out in their lives. All of us are needing, and depending entirely on, the grace and mercy of God.

It is astonishing to me that our holy, just and perfect God who sees and knows all things, should be willing to be associated with human beings at all – since even when we profess Jesus as Lord, we continue to behave in ways which do not reflect Jesus’ character. The story of God’s dealings with humankind as revealed in the pages of our bibles is that story – of perfection willingly engaging with imperfection; of purity deliberately associating itself with impurity. Our God has chosen to work out his purpose of salvation and re-creation through flawed and tainted creatures – what a marvel, what a mystery!

It is good therefore to be reminded that we do not, and cannot possibly comprehend our God; and that we do well to guard our own hearts and minds fiercely against a spirit of criticism and judgement of others, especially other believers. Each of us is accountable to God for how we live with the treasure of his gift of salvation and hope in Christ.  We are called to love one another for Jesus’ sake, to believe the best of one another, to grieve over sin in ourselves before hunting for it in the lives of others.

The words of this hymn have always spoken to me of this quality of mercy which I desire so much to see in myself towards others – and which helps me to leave myself and them in the care of the only good and perfect Judge. Sisters and brothers, let us love one another, and be humble before him.

 

 

There’s a wideness in God’s mercy, like the wideness of the sea:

There’s a kindness in his justice, which is more than liberty.

 

There is no place where earth’s sorrows are more felt than up in heaven:

There is no place where earth’s failings have such kindly judgement given.

 

For the love of God is broader than the measures of man’s mind’

And the heart of the Eternal is most wonderfully kind.

 

If our love were but more simple, we would take him at his word;

And our lives be filled with glory from the glory of the Lord.

(FW Faber 1814-63)

Do not strive…..

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Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I shall not be shaken. My salvation and my honour depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

(Ps 62.5-8)

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, yet you would have none of it….. Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!

(Isa 30.15&18)

At that time Jesus said, “I praise you Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father for this is what you were pleased to do….. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light.

(Matt 11.25&26,28-30)

Rest… what does that word say to you today? Is it something positive? Or an admission of failure? From what we read in scripture, ‘rest’ should be a good thing, a sign of active trust in and dependence on God – both his provision for our needs, and his faithfulness to his own character, trusting God to BE God and therefore able to take and bear control of all things.

As I grow older, I find myself – like the people whom God rebukes through Isaiah – having ‘none of it’! My anxious thoughts, and fretful attitudes all speak clearly of a lack of trust in God and a failure to rest in him. I want to achieve, to know that I am ticking all the right boxes which are required to be a ‘good ‘christian. I fall easy prey to the comparison trap – looking at the lives of other believers and rebuking myself for not being like them in terms of bible knowledge, wisdom and serenity – and jump for solutions, more things that I ought to be not doing/reading/practising in order to be what God wants me to be. There is an ugly restlessness in my life which robs me of joy and of the rest which comes when I fully accept God’s grace as the only possible grounds of my identity and hope. That restlessness tells me that I am letting the reality of the sin which will cling about me until I die have too much power over me. I am right to be sensitive to it, but wrong to let it colour and distort my understanding of God’s love and acceptance – his actual delight – in me. My Father is not sitting with a clipboard, waiting for me to measure up! He is holding out his arms to me, calling to me to join him in the daily adventure of sharing life with him, joining in his work and enjoying all his good gifts.

Jesus speaks in the prayer which I quoted above, of how his Father has revealed as to little children the mystery of life in the kingdom – the reality which our children know full well… they are loved, they belong, they matter not because they continually strive to be worthy of their place in the family, but because they ARE family! If such security is possible even in the families of flawed human beings, then how much deeper and more secure is the sense of rest which should be mine as a child of the perfectly loving and ever-compassionate God.

Merciful and loving Father, how I long to be at rest in this life to which you call me day by day; to be delivered from fretfulness and to trust and depend on you to be who you say you are – my loving and good God.

Deliver me from the tyranny of performance-measurement and comparison with others; let me learn to accept that each of your children is learning in their own way and time, and that you delight in each one of us equally!