Category Archives: self pity

A too familiar path..

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Your statutes are wonderful; therefore I obey them. The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple…Turn to me and have mercy on me, as you always do to those who love your name. Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me. Redeem me from the oppression of men, that I may obey your precepts. Make your face shine upon your servant and teach me your decrees.

(Ps 119.129&130, 131-135)

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope..O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.

(Ps 130.1-5, 7&8)

When Christ came as high priest…He entered the Most Holy Place once for all by his own blood, having obtained eternal redemption…For this reason Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance, – now that he has died as a ransom to set them free…Just as man is destined to die once, and after that to face judgement, so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many people… 

(Heb 9.11,12,15,27&28)

‘Let no sin rule over me’…surely this is a prayer which we could make every day for the rest of our lives as followers of Jesus, because until we are raised in glory, there will be daily tests and trials which will bring to light the deep-seated and persistent sins which can subtly and irresistibly lead us into trouble and away from the Lord.

I am particularly prone to the sin of despair, or hopelessness, and the enemy of my soul knows it well! So I should not have been surprised when I recently experienced a veritable ‘tsunami’ of thoughts and feelings about the many ways in which I have failed those whom I love best. The darkness of such experiences comes on so quickly, and is so absolute that before I realised it, I was drowning in self-pity and self-condemnation, focussed entirely on myself, on the memories of failure, and the consequences of it. I have been on this path before, far too many times, and I suspect that I will return to it again regularly in the days ahead. But perhaps it is time that I learnt to deal with the experience a little better, so that when the wave hits, I no longer crumble under its weight or get tossed and bruised in its turmoil..

When my thoughts condemn me, listing the shameful and painful memories, the psalmist exhorts me to turn to God’s word. That word which gives light, and brings understanding to the simple – even the persistently foolish and forgetful! In the word I find that with God, there is forgiveness of sin – and this is no glib brushing over, but rather a full, sacrificial payment for everything I have done, and will do yet, which is not His will. I am reminded that the Lord’s love is unfailing – which means it never runs out, nor can my persistent failure exasperate him to the point of giving up on me! This both astonishing and profoundly reassuring, when I recognise my own weakness and tendency to repeat my mistakes..

Since I am forgiven, and will be forgiven again, and again…and again; since I am loved with an unfailing love – which is patient and kind, which keeps no record of wrongs, which protects, and trusts and perseveres – I can hope! Hope for answers to prayers for mercy, for direction in daily living, for deliverance from persistent sin so that I can obey my Lord and bring him gladness.

God’s perfect love keeps no record of my sins – so when I am next accused in this way, I can remember that it is the enemy who is behind it, and can stand against him because of the perfect redemption bought by Jesus. God’s perfect love perseveres – so when I am overwhelmed by the consequences of my failures in the lives of those whom I love best, I can remember that they too are loved by God, and his power in their lives is infinitely greater than all my mistakes! Can the Almighty not accomplish all that he purposes? Who am I, that wounds which I inflict should be beyond his healing?! May God help me to recognise the foolish pride which lies behind such thinking, and to repent of it, even as I pray his mercy on those whom I have hurt.

As I face a new week, walking familiar paths, I pray with the psalmist that the Lord might make his face to shine upon me, and by that light, I will walk more steadily, humbly and obediently…

Passive or Active? – I have a choice…

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When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. what can mortal man do to me?…I am under vows to you, O God; I will present my thank-offerings to you. For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.

(Ps 56.3&4,12&13)

Blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord. Blessed are they who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart. They do nothing wrong; they walk in his ways. You have laid down precepts that are to be fully obeyed. Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees! Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all your commands. I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws. I will obey your decrees; do not utterly forsake me.

(Ps 119.1-8)

Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ…Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed…continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life….

(Phil 1.27, 2.12-16)

We are a resurrection people; we live in the light of an empty tomb and a risen saviour. Not only do we believe these things, but we live because of them! By faith in this Jesus, we live free from guilt and the burden of shame; free to love generously and expect nothing in return; free to pursue holiness and godly living not as a grim attempt to earn salvation, but a joyous expression of love and gratitude to the God who has saved us and called us to live with him….but sometimes it doesn’t feel easy, sometimes the temptation to indulge the old habits of thought and action are very strong. 

When I am faced with major challenges to my faith and trust in God, it is easy to succumb to the habits and attitudes of the world around me. Self pity, complaining, fearfulness and resentment at God for permitting these trials all come so easily. I am sorely tempted to indulge that weakness which consists of blaming God for making my life harder than I like or feel is reasonable.

The bible has no room for such self-deluded behaviour, but insists I recognise it for what it is – sin; a refusal to live as though I believed what God has revealed about himself and what He has promised to do. I don’t like being exposed as a willful sinner, but that is what I see in the psalmists words and in Paul’s words to his beloved Philippian church.

The gulf between God’s standards and my choices is stark, and I cannot take refuge in the claim that I can’t help myself, because the whole point of our new life in Christ is that I can, and must! I have a will, a conscience, and the common sense which God has given his children. All these things are now under the lordship of Jesus – as a beloved minister of my youth used to say, ‘use your sanctified common sense!’ Each situation that arises is another opportunity to live in ‘a manner worthy of the gospel’, to speak and act and think to God’s glory and the furthering of the kingdom. I have to ask myself, “Am I honouring the price which has been paid for me? Does my conduct here bring the reality of Jesus transforming power to view?” All too often, the answer would have to be ,’No’. When I choose to indulge my complaints, to feed my doubts, to wallow in self-pity, I dishonour the gospel. When I choose instead to exercise my will, and common sense by taking my troubles to Christ and acknowledging my weakness and doubt, and ask for his help to stand for him and walk by his light, then I honour the gospel.  Which is it to be?

Thanks be to God, who is working out in me the salvation to which he has called me; I am not a passive agent in my circumstances, but active. I have the capacity to choose obedience and trust, and as I pursue these things in every area of my life, so I will indeed walk in the ‘light of life’, in the fullness and peace which God promises to those who seek first his kingdom and glory.

A sovereign remedy…for self-pity

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But David thought to himself, “One of these days I shall be destroyed by the hand of Saul. The best thing I can do is to escape to the land of the Philistines. Then Saul will give up searching for me anywhere in Israel, and I will slip out of his hand.”

(1Sam 27.1)

Elijah was afraid and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the desert. He came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord, ” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.”

(1 Kings 19.3&4)

I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done. The Lord has chastened me severely but he has not given me over to death. Open for me the gates of righteousness; I will enter and give thanks to the Lord. This is the gate of the Lord through which the righteous may enter. I will give you thanks, for you answered me; you have become my salvation. …..You are my God, and I will give you thanks; you are my God and I will exalt you. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures for ever.

(Ps 118.17-21,28&29)

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man, And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

(1 Cor 10.13)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your  requests to God.

(Phil 4.6)

I am profoundly thankful that my heavenly Father unveils my faults to me in very small doses, so that I am not overwhelmed by the truth and instead can lean hard on his grace, the truth of his forgiveness, and acceptance of me. I rejoice that he can use me in spite of those faults, but I know too that they are revealed and made plain for a purpose – I am being called to repent, by his power to change, and to grow in maturity and likeness to Jesus.

Each of us has predispositions towards particular sins, and away from others, for a whole host of reasons, but that predisposition is never an excuse for refusing to recognise them and repent. I have a strong tendency toward self-pity; it is frighteningly easy for me to end up in that particular place and I am thankful that God is pressing me in these days to recognise and address this – it is a sin. It speaks of a profound distrust of God, and a resentment of what he is permitting in my life.

In David’s case, he had recently experienced a number of miraculous escapes from Saul, and could testify to God’s keeping, and yet suddenly he has had enough. He no longer feels able to trust God for the future – who am I to judge David in this, I who so readily make my own desperate little plans to protect myself and so easily forget all that God has already done on my behalf.

Elijah had just come from the triumphant defeat of the prophets of Baal on Mount Carmel, the Israelites had seen and acknowledged the power of the true God, and yet on receiving news of Jezebel’s threat against his life, Elijah goes to pieces and begs to die – has he forgotten God’s power on the mountain?! I forget too easily in my own life, and have no right to judge this great prophet for his temporary weakness.

So how should I respond when I find myself like Elijah, or David – at the end of my tether and tempted to give up on God, disbelieving and fed up? I believe that there is a sovereign remedy for this complaint, although sometimes it takes a great deal of self-discipline to apply it – thanksgiving, praising God for what is and has been and deliberately concentrating on gratitude and trust.

As Paul tells the Corinthian church, God never leaves us without a way out under temptation, so when I am tempted to wallow in self-pity I have a choice. Shall I choose to sin against my Lord’s love, faithfulness and promise, by sulking, harming myself and others, and frustrating his work in my life? Or will I choose to recognise the inherent sin of self-pity, and reject it? God’s plans for my life may include many trials, difficult times and painful experiences – but self-pity is not the fruit which he designs they should produce. Rather, a godly thankfulness, a humble awareness that I cannot understand his ways, but must and CAN trust him should inform my attitude.

May I commend this discipline of gratitude, and thanksgiving most earnestly to you? It has brought more consolation and help to me than I can begin to explain, and – I trust – will continue to be used by God to shape me into the likeness of my dear Lord Jesus.

Give thanks to our God, for he is so good; his love endures for ever.