I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came over me; I was overcome by distress and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord; “Lord, save me!”

The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the unwary; when I was brought low, he saved me. Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.

(Ps 116.1-7)

One of [the Pharisees], an expert in the law, tested him with this question: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” This is the first and greatest commandment.

(Matt 22.36-38)

The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.

(1Tim 1:5)

I believe that we are called to be honest with one another as fellow pilgrims, and that by doing so, we actually support one another in our journey of faith through a life which will bring many challenges as well and joys. I know for myself that I desperately need to be honest in my relationships, and that where I feel I cannot share, I also feel I cannot truly love.

In this season, where I am floundering and failing, and unable to make a true judgement of my own thoughts, motives and actions, the opportunity to share, and to receive the loving acceptance and true observation of others is an anchor and a blessed comfort to me. Only my heavenly Father sees my heart, mind and deepest motivations, but my fellow pilgrims can tell me if they see obvious sin, rebellion and can also reassure me as to goodness. If others whom I know to be godly, mature and loving believers are able to recognise something of worth in me, then I may be comforted!

I am therefore so thankful for the blessed acceptance and kindness which I received recently from the fellowship of my bible study group – women who don’t really know me, but whose hearts are full of the love of Christ and who seek him.

I am profoundly thankful that I have the example of the psalmists in praying with complete honesty, in casting themselves completely and consistently upon the care of God – taking him at his word and claiming his love, compassion, provision, protection and all other good and necessary things. My Father knows, absolutely knows me, and longs for my honest surrender and offering up of all my confusion, distress and uncertainty.

I am profoundly relieved to know that I am secure upon the foundation which is Jesus Christ, my Lord and Saviour whose complete saving work for me is the only grounds of my security and hope. I could, and do, wish that after all the years of God’s investment in my life, I were a more worthy testament to his goodness.. instead of a building fit for a king, I remain a mere collection of rubble and bricks, with the faintest outline of a structure and no glory to speak of! But my foundation is Christ, and he will not fail me; I am his precious charge and will never be abandoned.

Oh Father, I don’t know what I need; I can’t trust my own understanding or discern the reality of my heart and motivation. I don’t want to stay stuck in this fruitless, stunted condition, a rebuke to the gospel and cause for shame. But I don’t know what to do. In your mercy, be my help and send me the aid that you know I need – let me recognise and embrace it, finding comfort, courage and growing in godliness.

It is only in being filled with love for you that I have any hope for meaning and purpose and joy in the life which remains to me. My zeal is so feeble, and my love so faint – it seems to have little power to hold me in the darkness, and I seem fruitless. I am afraid to ask to love you more, afraid that you might answer through more trials, through pain and suffering. I am ashamed of this fear, but it is very real.

Have mercy on your fearful child, she trembles to ask great things of you, fearing the cost. Forgive her fear, her doubt, and make her love you more – for Jesus’ sake, Amen.