Category Archives: fearfulness

You are what you eat….

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The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple… They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb.

(Ps 19.7&10)

On this mountain the Lord Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine – the best of meats and the finest of wines. On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers up all nations; he will swallow up death for ever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The Lord has spoken. In that day they will say, “Surely this is our God; we trusted in him and he saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.”

(Isa 25.6-9)

Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the son of man will give you… For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world… I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry… If anyone eats of this bread, he will live for ever.

(Jn 6.27,33,35&51)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

(Phil 4.6&7)

We are broken and beautiful creatures, living in a broken and beautiful world, where nothing is ever completely perfect or utterly reliable, or free from pain and doubt. On this side of glory, we are sure of nothing, except our own craving for security, significance and purpose. As a follower of Jesus, I believe that I am in the best possible place to deal with the uncertainty of life in this world, because I have wisdom, perspective and a reason to hope that I will live in a perfect world, and I am therefore not utterly broken by the disappointments of this life.

In Jesus, I am freely given all I need to persevere in this life, glorifying God and putting my trust in him alone, instead of wasting my energy and breaking my heart over things which will pass and let me down. The question is whether I fully appropriate all that is mine in Jesus – do I make it my own, do I live by it?

In every situation in life, I can choose whether to react by focussing on the unknowns, on the (often valid) causes for anxiety – or to focus on the truth about God, about his power at work for good, and his character of love, faithfulness and mercy. What do I feed my spirit with day by day as I navigate this beautiful, broken world? Do I feed my fear, or my faith?

The bible talks about meditating on God’s word, which means pondering, repeating it to oneself, chewing it over in the same way that some animals repeatedly chew their food. It is a vivid image which conveys the sense that we are feeding on the word, finding nourishment and health, getting all the goodness out of it.

But it can be very easy to feed instead on my anxieties. When I am in difficult circumstances, am I meditating on all the things I can’t understand or control? On the things that I regret, or resent? On the ways I have been hurt or disappointed? On ways that I can take control, create some illusion of authority over my life? Or on the consequences of my actions, those things which may be hard for others? – that kind of chewing is not healthy for me, leads to spiritual weakness, and fear over the future

While those things may be true or real in my experience, I can see that making them the centre of my attention is not going to help me. Instead, I am invited to bring the whole messy bundle of worries and questions to my God, laying them at his feet and choosing a different diet for my mind.

As I choose to meditate on God’s word, on what is true about him, and what he says is true about me then I focus on facts, not unanswerable questions. As I choose to chew over my blessings, the faithfulness of God to his church and to me, then I have reason to praise him and to find hope.  As I choose to worship him for who he is, regardless of what is happening and remember that he is God and I am not, then I remember who is truly in control and find peace. This kind of chewing is healthy for me, it feeds faith and builds resilience, maturity and hope for the future.

Let the consequences of your obedience be left up to God:

Oswald Chambers (1874-1917)

Loving Father, so much of my trouble comes from trying to work out all the details, not only for myself but for others. Let me learn to trust you with all the consequences of my obedience, and to remember that you love my precious people even more than I do, and are infinitely more able to work your plans for their good than I can imagine!

Lord, let me feed faith, by feeding on your word, by praising your greatness, by choosing to look at you and not at myself. Make me stronger, more resilient, a more faithful witness to you as I choose those things that feed faith, and reject those that feed fear. Help me to keep on doing this, day by day and hour by hour, for your glory and the blessing of many.

No borrowed lights

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By day the Lord went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night. Neither the pillar of cloud by day nor the pillar of fire by night left its place in front of the people.

(Ex 13.21&22)

The Lord is my light and my rescue. Whom should I fear? The Lord is my life’s stronghold. Of whom should I be afraid?… Teach me, O Lord, Your way, and lead me on a level path because of my adversaries.

(Ps 27.1&11; R Alter translation)

O Lord, be gracious to us; we wait for you. Be our arm every morning, our salvation in the time of trouble… The Lord is exalted, for he dwells on high; he will fill Zion with justice and righteousness, and he will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge; the fear of the Lord is Zion’s treasure.

(Isaiah 33.2&5-6)

Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the voice of his servant? Who walks in darkness and has no light? ..let him trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. Behold, all you who kindle a fire, who equip yourselves with burning torches! Walk by the light of your fire, and by the torches that you have kindled! This you have from my hand: you shall lie down in torment.

(Isa 50.10&11)

It is the testimony of God’s people down the ages that again and again, His word speaks directly into their situation and brings counsel, comfort, rebuke and restoration. As I read the bible, on my own and in community, I find that I am fed and strengthened for the situations to which God has called me, and I praise and rejoice in his generosity and care.

In these days, I am facing imminent departure from a place and ministry which I had hoped would be my home and community for many years. This is not to be, and while I thank God for making it clear that we must move, I am grieving for the loss which will be involved, and fearful for a future which is as yet entirely unknown. I am tempted to waste my energy making plans, speculating about what to do – basically trying to create an illusion of control in a situation where I am absolutely without any authority over what is happening. When I recognise that this is what I am doing, I am driven to repent, to cling to my Father and to ask for his help to walk in this darkness of grief, loss and uncertainty. God is all-knowing, all powerful, perfect and just – I am not!

Our recent studies in Isaiah brought this passage, where God calls his faithful people to trust his word and to walk in the darkness rather than create lights for themselves. This has come as a real prompt to me – what am I tempted to do in the face of dashed hopes, loss and uncertainty? What lights am I trying to create for myself to deal with the fear?

The psalmist calls me back to safety, to the truth that my Lord is my light, and his purpose is to take me down paths which accord with his good and perfect will. The Lord is the stability of my times – what a marvellous picture of steadying, and sustaining, of bringing me back from wildly veering emotions and thoughts to a calm centre and the assurance of his power, strength and love all mobilised for me, his child. The story of God’s presence manifest to his people after the exodus from Egypt is a wonderful expression of a reality which remains for us today. He is always with us to guide us, and to provide the guidance and light which we need – maybe not as much as we might want – for the next steps.

Lord God, and loving Father, let me trust you and walk steadily as you guide me. Let me not try to find my own way through or around this time of trial, grief and uncertainty – deliver me from the temptation to create my own lights, to borrow wordly wisdom or rely on my own strength, and wisdom. Let me be content to walk in the darkness if need be, so long as I walk in dependence on you, content to trust your timing and leading. Lord, let me not panic, indulge in anxiety and worry, or jump to false conclusions about your nature and purposes for me. Let me glorify you through this trial, for Jesus’s sake, Amen.

[with thanks to Jean Dewar for the photograph used]

The reality gap ..

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God spoke strongly to me, grabbed me with both hands and warned me not to go along with this people. He said: “Don’t be like this people, always afraid somebody is plotting against them. Don’t fear what they fear. Don’t take on their worries. If you’re going to worry, worry about the Holy,

Fear God-of-the-angel-armies. The Holy can either be a hiding place or a boulder blocking your way….”

I will wait for God as long as he remains in hiding, while I wait and hope for him. I stand my ground and hope…

(Isa 8.11-14&17, the Message)

God wants the combination of his steady, constant calling and warm, personal counsel in Scripture to come to characterise us, keeping us alert for whatever he will do next. May our dependably steady and warmly personal God develop maturity in you … and May the God of green hope fill you up with joy, fill you up with peace, so that your believing lives, filled with the life-giving energy of the Holy Spirit, will brim over with hope!

(Rom 15.4&5,13)

Forgive me Father, for my faith is weak and small; a poor thing too dependent on outward supports and habits and starved of real vitality. Your child is easily frightened, and all her prayers and entreaties just now seem empty and faithless, the hope is drying up in her veins. Her labours seem pointless, her life fruitless and shallow – a thing of show and hypocrisy.

 Jesus said: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Forgive me Father, for every touch of your love in creation and the kindness of others lets loose a storm of weeping instead of thankful songs. My heart is weary and heavy and has forgotten the taste of real joy, numb to the warmth of your presence and yet desperate to be away from this dreariness and at home with you. I am appalled at my own lack of faith, filled with shame at my unfounded good opinion of myself, and conscious of dishonouring and failing you and those to whom you have given me.

Jesus said: Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Father, your child has seen once again what a poor thing she is; how undeserving the grace she has received and the continuing daily gifts of forgiveness and love which she receives. She has nothing of value to bring you, since all she has comes from your hand. Her worship is weak and her faith frail; her abilities limited and her tendency to stray after other comforts so dreadfully pronounced. Why do you bear with this one? She has no hope apart from you, and yet she cannot bear seeing the truth of her state – a lifetime of following Jesus, and yet so little to show for it.

Jesus said: Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

Father, you see and know and love your child. Her heart lies open to you in all its poverty and hunger that she might be other than she is. Oh, to be at peace, to be daily filled with joy in your presence! To be trusting you because of your character and promises, instead of doubting you because my prayers are not answered the way I want. Oh, to love you for who you are, not for what you give me, so that my peace and hope are not at the mercy of my circumstances but founded securely in you.

Father God, you know that the gap between where I want to be as your child – one honoured to bear your name in the world – and where I actually am, is so big. You know the shame that fills me as I see the gap, as I sense the aridity of my spirit and the numbness which dulls me to the glory and power of your truth, and the salvation which is mine in Christ. Lord God, have mercy on me and by your Spirit at work in me, restore life and hope and joy that I might glorify you and daily testify to your goodness.

Jesus said: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Bless me today, merciful God, for the sake of your Son my Saviour, Amen

When everything else has fallen away..

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O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief…The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead. So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed.

I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Answer me quickly, O Lord, my spirit fails.

Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

(Ps 143.1, 2-10)

From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. about the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?” – which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

(Matt 27.45&46)

As followers of Jesus, we live with a continual tension between the reality of a broken, and pain-filled world, and the revelation of God’s loving purposes for his creation. This is not the place to unpack the many discussions which can arise, rather I have been considering how we can pray for one another when the crises come. To be a Christian is not a recipe for a protected, pain free existence, and anyone who tries to convince others that the gospel brings health, wealth and happiness is to be rebuked and avoided at all costs. We will face suffering, even as every human being does.

Every trial known to humanity happens to believers too – rape, abuse, violent assault, homelessness, cancer, addiction, debilitating and degenerative diseases, disability, poverty, war, earthquakes and all natural disasters. How may we pray for one another when our lives are shaken to their foundations, when all the walls collapse and in an instant, we are naked to the winds and vulnerable to utter destruction? This is intercession, the ministry of other members of Christ’s body for those who are stunned and reeling, unable to pray for themselves, possibly running away from God, certainly in great agony of spirit.  We may be called to it for hours, days or years, and we may not see the answers we hope for – our own faith may be challenged. Are we willing?

We can pray for protection of their faith – that they will continue to bring all to God, not turn away from him. He is big enough to take all our frantic furious words and his fathomless love refuses to walk away from his hurting children. We can pray that their anger will be poured out before him, so that their spirit may be preserved from the infection of bitterness and the petrifying power of resentment. The psalmists give shape to such lament, as do Job and the prophets.

We can pray for that steadying and grounding which guards against drastic and desperate action, for wisdom to hold through confusion and the turmoil of grief. The presence of compassion and practical support, of burden-sharers, and those who can advise and bring comfort by their presence. Perhaps we ourselves may have a part to play in this. How often Paul speaks in his letters of the comfort which friends brought – by their gifts and their companionship – as God’s support to him in his need.

We can pray for for freedom from paralysing fear as they contemplate a future which they hoped never to see. How many of us deliberately contemplate what life might look like if disaster struck? We don’t, we focus instead on enjoying what we have and easily forget that life can change in an instant. A beloved may walk out of the house, and out of our lives with no warning, and how shall we live without them? A diagnosis may come which shifts life into an endurance event, full of obstacles, and pain. We don’t want to anticipate these things, but they are the stuff of real and daily life. How much we need God’s help in living through those situations, in dealing with the fear of suffering, of loss, of death.

Above all, we pray for mercy from the Omnipotent on the dust-creature whom he loves, and who is at this time flat out in stunned despair and hopelessness. Tomorrow, it could be my turn, or yours. We live, day by day depending entirely on God’s providence, and by grace we cry to him as Father for his presence. We have his love, an eternal inheritance, a daily indwelling strength by his Holy Spirit, and although we may feel abandoned, we can give thanks that we are never truly alone. Because Jesus was forsaken, we are not..

Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me…And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

(Matt 28.18&20)

Consider the stars..

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There is no one like the God of Jeshurun, who rides on the heavens to help you and on the clouds in his majesty. The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.

(Deuteronomy 33.26&27)

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”…He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.

(Psalm 91.1,2, 4-6)

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us…And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose….Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long, we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

(Romans 8.18,28,35-37)

Consider the stars in the sky;
When it is darkest they shine out the brightest
Consider the stars in the sky
In every anguish, Oh, child take courage

Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid
He who made all of this, and who holds all of this,
Holds you in his hands

(Keith & Kristyn Getty, 2015)

 

We have a bad habit of re-casting God’s promises into our own terms, to suit our own circumstances, and then expecting Him to fulfill them according to our understanding of what is best.. We take the words such as those from Psalm 91 above, and decide that should mean that we are to be kept miraculously safe from every physical threat to our bodies – always! Sometimes, there are instances where God has indeed created supernatural protection for his children, hiding them in plain sight from their enemies, or healing them from fatal illnesses, and we do well to rejoice in such deliverances. But they will always be part of a bigger picture, and a higher perspective that we cannot see. God does nothing at random, and nothing is ever wasted, so that a miraculously preserved life will have some particular call upon it which is yet to be fulfilled.

But our experience, in a broken world, is surely not that which might be expected from a superficial reading of Psalm 91 – everyone suffers from illness, assault, weakness, fear, and eventually the debilitating effects of age. So where do God’s promises come into the picture? In what sense are we supported by the everlasting arms, pictured in Moses’ wonderful final song in Deuteronomy?

I believe that Paul puts it best for us, when he affirms that there is NOTHING which can separate the child of God from the love of the Father, because of the redeeming work of the Son. In one sense, we may be vulnerable to the effects of human suffering, but in another, we are invincible! The grasp of the everlasting arms upon us is unbreakable, and our eternal future, in transformed bodies, in glory and joy and fulfilment, cannot be taken from us. In that ultimate and most essential sense, nothing can touch us!

If we can take hold on that truth – a process which I find I have to go through repeatedly, as new trials come along – then we are indeed sheltered from the storm, as under wings, because our heart is at rest. It may be in agony, but in recognising that there is one who loves us and bears with us, who knows our pain, and above all who knows that the future glory is worth it, there, we find we can hold firm.

I often walk at night by the sea, and the stars throng the sky above me, a source of wonder and awe. They speak of the utter ‘otherness’ of the creator, of my utter insignificance, and cause me to stand in adoration again of the God who “made all of this, and who holds all of this,” yet holds even me in his hands.

Friends, let us pray for God to stir up our faith, when all around seems darkest, that his presence and promises will shine brightly, and we will hold fast, trusting him, and rest in the everlasting arms.

 

Photograph of the stars, courtesy of F. Wotherspoon.

Will you sit with me?

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O God, listen to my cry! Hear my prayer! From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed.

Lead me to the towering rock of safety, for you are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.

Let me live forever in your sanctuary, safe beneath the shelter of your wings!

(Psalm 60, 1-4)

Oh, why give light to those in misery, and life to those who are bitter? They long for death, and it won’t come. They search for death more eagerly than for hidden treasure. They’re filled with joy when they finally die, and rejoice when they find the grave. Why is life given to those with no future, those God has surrounded with difficulties? I cannot eat for sighing; my groans pour out like water. What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true. I have no peace, no quietness. I have no rest; only trouble comes.

(Job 3.20-26)

People don’t like to hear the truth sometimes…they find it upsets their own faith when fellow believers struggle and suffer for no reason. When depression or deep sadness come to faithful Christians and they walk in the dark, they may well find themselves reluctant to share what they are feeling, afraid of unsettling others and aware that no one can actually help them…

It is so much easier to be around those who are finding life positive, seeing much to be thankful for, obviously overcoming and triumphing by God’s help over the various trials they experience. Who wants to sit, like Job’s comforters(before they spoke a word!), in the dirt, in silence, weeping with him and pouring out an agony of lament? That takes courage, humility, deep love, and a deeper faith.

But is it more glorifying to God for me to pretend that all is well, when the reality is a bleak, numb hopelessness? If God is God, good and loving, holy and faithful, with our best interests at heart and a great master plan for glorifying his son in which we play a part, then my experience of darkness is not enough to undermine his power. Does the reality of my – or anyone else’s – struggle need to be hidden in order to protect his reputation?

As ever, the bible shows us the right response in the darkness. To tell it out. Tell it loud and clear. Tell it to the one who above all is concerned for my heart, who more than anyone else can understand and feel for my pain. Lament; weep and cry; leave no detail unexplored and lay the entire ugly, messy, appalling burden in the lap of God the Almighty, who although beyond our meagre understanding, is never far from us but close and tender-hearted toward us.

Can we extend this same grace to one another? Are you willing to hear a fellow believer share their experience of apparent defeat without jumping in to tell them what they should be doing about it? Will you sit and weep a while; listen to the truth of their darkness as it speaks without demanding that they focus on the light which will surely shine at some point? Will you comfort – that is to gently reassure someone that they are heard, loved, and never alone? All without judging or assuming that you have all the answers?

The time may come when you can give words of direction or even exhortation; but as a soul who knows very well how it feels to be in this darkness, may I encourage you to restrain your kind enthusiasm, and just let me know that you are with me. You may not know how I feel, but you can allow me the opportunity to feel and express it, without trying to shape my thoughts into forms which suit you.

When I am in the darkness, when I am unable to rejoice in God’s gifts and when hope is utterly gone, the best help you can give me is to pray for me; sit with me; and if you want to speak, then help me to bring everything to God. While he is my focus for lamentation, I am safe and you will have done all you can.

 

 

Therefore go!

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Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptising them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.

(Matthew 28.18-20)

Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle..for the gospel of God..regarding his Son who through the Spirit of holiness was declared with power to be the Son of God by his resurrection from the dead: Jesus Christ our Lord. Through him and for his name’s sake, we received grace..to call people from among all the Gentiles to the obedience that comes from faith.

I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes…For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith.”

(Romans 1. 1-5 & 16-18)

An imperative, a command with no exceptions – the risen, glorified Lord commands his disciples to ‘GO’. His death and resurrection has ushered in a new era, has opened the door of heaven to broken and lost humanity, that they might come home; finding fullness and joy such as they have never known.

It is good news for the weary and grieving; for the proud and lonely; for the driven and unsatisfied – and a challenge to the self-satisfied, all those who rely upon their own righteousness and achievements. It is good news, because it addresses the deepest needs of humankind – whether they recognise and acknowledge those needs or not – and is the only guarantee of obtaining the security in this life, and hope for the next which we pursue in so many different shapes and forms apart from God.

This is the command which sends men and women across the oceans to serve as missionaries in lands where they are aliens; learning strange languages and submitting to challenging climatic and living conditions – all that their beloved Lord might be made known to people who have never heard of him. It is not personal glory that they pursue, but his glory and the growth of his kingdom; it is with Christ’s sacrificial love that they go, for the sake of those walking in darkness, knowing nothing of the beauty of Jesus’s death and resurrection.

This is the command which draws men and women into full-time and professional ministry in their homelands – that they might reach their neighbours with the good news of a saviour; might make disciples of young believers, seeing them grow in strength and understanding, persevering through trials and testifying to God’s power in their lives. It is not institutional glory they are pursuing, but the rescuing of as many as may respond from a bleak, black, hopeless future without Christ.

This same command is given to me, a housewife, with no formal theological training to undertake, no foreign mission field to go to, no difficult languages to learn or challenging climate to deal with. I am tasked with sharing the good news of Jesus with my natural neighbours, in my own tongue, from the comfort of a good home and with a strong support network of believing friends to help me… What possible excuse can I make for failing to do it?

None.. and I know that the desire of my heart is indeed to see those around me come to faith. I see how their lives are distorted and blighted by the lack of peace, the sense of worthlessness, the anxiety and fear which all stem from ignorance of God’s accepting and forgiving love. And yet it seems so hard to speak of that love in a way which will they will hear, and how I dread alienating them by a word spoken out of turn..

It is not that my words must be powerful in themselves, nor clever and persuasive like those of a clever lawyer or spin doctor; no, I believe that God can use simple and even clumsy speech to do his work. And this is perhaps the key which I need to grasp more fully – to pray that he will be at work by his Spirit in the lives of those around me; that I will discern that work, and then discern how to speak to them. All the labour of drawing a soul to saving faith is God’s labour, and my task is to be a willing agent in his plan.

May I walk more and more in step with him, so that I recognise his hand at work and know his prompting to speak – or not speak but act – so that the power of God which is the gospel of Jesus Christ might be revealed in the lives of those around me. May I be blessed by seeing men and women come alive in Christ in my community – perhaps through some labour of my own, but ultimately all through God’s gracious power and to his glory!

Are we nearly home yet?

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Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.

There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am .

(John 14.1-3)

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain for the old order of things has passed away.”

(Rev 21.3&4)

For as long as I can remember, I have been conscious of a longing for another place, a place of which our world is only a pale imitation. CS Lewis puts it beautifully in ‘The Last Battle’, when one of the characters cries out in delight as he gazes around his new home:

“I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now. The reason we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked a little like this..”

I love the world in which I live, and have always responded deeply to the power and beauty of creation, delighting in the grandest and the tiniest details, rejoicing in my own powers of appreciation, the senses I have to receive and respond to my Father’s artistry. I love knowing to whom I owe an unpayable debt of gratitude for the joy which beauty brings to my life – the great original himself, from whom all our human creativity is derived and to whose glory it should be exercised.

And yet..I still find myself looking beyond, longing for more: a deeper, richer experience and also some sense of home-coming, of final and utter belonging. I believe that when God in his good time finally ushers in his new creation, then I will find that ultimate fulfillment, because the thing lacking – his glorious presence with me, undimmed by my sin – will be abundantly and eternally mine. I will enter into beauty, and be satisfied, lost to myself and found by him.

There is another reason that I long for the home which is promised by my Lord so tenderly in his words to his apostles, reassuring them as they were fearful and unsure and would face severe trials for his sake in the days to come.. I am just plain tired of myself and of the struggle to make a decent attempt at living for Jesus in this fallen world. I know it is not so that we will give up striving in this world that Jesus shows us a glimpse of the Father’s house, but it is so good to know it is there.

When I am weary, stricken by disappointment – with myself and with others – conscious of persistent sin and convinced that there is much about myself of which to be deeply ashamed, it is sweet relief to remember that my place in that final home is not dependent on my perfect life here! I think my Father is more compassionate and tender with me than I am with myself, but I also know that all his love is directed towards encouraging me not to give up, but to persevere.

Yes, I am not what I should be – given all the blessings and privileges of faith I have enjoyed. But, I am a daughter of the King of Kings, and my citizenship in his eternal kingdom is assured. God looks not at my weakness, doubting and pathetic track-record in his service; but he looks at Jesus, my Lord, my Saviour, my Champion, who has fought the fight for me and won it, for me! In him, I am entitled to claim a place in my Father’s house and to know that even I am eagerly awaited.

Is it not enough to make us long for the day when all will be made new, and our faults and failings will be forgotten? When we will stand with heads held high and no more trace of sin to stain our vision; no dragging grief or disappointment to embitter our joys, only complete freedom to forget ourselves in joyful service and worship of our Lord.

No, we are not home yet, but each day I live brings me nearer..May God give me patience and courage to live the time that is allotted for me, allowing that glorious promised future to inspire me with hope for each day, and an urgent desire to share the riches I have with those who do not know Jesus!

Dying to live..

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Then he said to them all:

“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. 

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.

What good is it for a man to gain the whole world and yet lose or forfeit his very self?

(Luke 9. 24&25)

Some people would have us believe that the christian life should be a happy, smooth and fulfilling one, and that if we do not have that experience, then we are somehow failing to grasp our inheritance as God’s beloved children.

Where does Jesus call us to such a life? Not here, not in these words, which are recorded in all four gospels, indicating their centrality to our understanding of his teaching. Jesus calls us to die for him, no more, no less. For many, it is a call to physical death – whether by martyrdom, or by being exposed to unusual risks by virtue of the work we do in his name. For all of us, it is a call to die to ourselves, to the ways of thinking and acting which put our needs, welfare and personal fulfillment first.

Am I the only christian who needs regularly to be reminded that my Lord calls me to this radical discipleship? To have it drummed into my heart and thinking again and again that my own happiness is not the goal of my life, in spite of the bewitching messages with which contemporary culture tries to persuade me. When I get my eyes fixed back onto this vision of the life to which I am called, for which I was saved by my Lord, then it is like finally seeing past a smokescreen, to a clear sky and a straight road. But oh, how hard it can be to look up, to shake myself clear of the smoke and see properly!

Jesus does not give me options on obedience, I am not in a position to qualify the extent to which I will do as God commands according to my circumstances and feelings! If I once allow my feelings to become the driving force behind my willingness to obey, then I will become utterly bogged down in self-obsessed inaction. God has given me a will to act, a mind to understand, and has shown me what to do. How I feel must follow, not dictate, my obedience to those commands.

Did it not cost Jesus more than we can begin to imagine to obey God’s will in his life on earth? He wept and toiled, and embraced suffering and death because He knew that this was God’s will for him. What am I saying when I protest against the cost of obedience in my life, that I am not willing to suffer in turn? That my immediate comfort and temporary self-fulfilment are more precious than eternal life and union with Christ? That his love for me is not worth very much if it must be paid out of my own ease?

I have been reminded again of the words penned by martyred missionary Jim Elliott, who wrote :-“he is no fool, who gives what he cannot keep, to gain that which he cannot lose!”

God forgive me that I protest so bitterly against the small crosses which he asks me to bear, against the small sacrifices which he asks me to make in his name. Should I not rather rejoice that I may suffer through obedience? My Lord sees the pain I experience, and commends me as I seek to obey in spite of it. That same pain causes me to lean ever harder on His arm, to listen closer for his loving voice, to sit ever more lightly to this world and hope more gladly for the next. Is this not reason for giving thanks in my struggles? God give me courage to obey, understanding to see what I must do, and fuller knowledge of his love that my desire for him might continue to grow.

All to Jesus I surrender; all to Him I freely give;

I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live.

I surrender all, I surrender all; all to Thee my blessed Saviour, 

I surrender all

(Judson W. Van De Venter 1896)

Answering my fearfulness..

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For the Lord is the great God, the great King above all gods. In his hand are the depths of the earth, and the mountain peaks belong to him. The sea is his, for he made it, and his hands formed the dry land.

Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the Lord our Maker; for he is our God and we are the people of his pasture, the flock under his care.

(Ps 95. 3-7)

I have mentioned in this blog before that I am not an ambitious or driven sort of person, and I have never had a burning desire to pursue a particular career or line of study. I have enjoyed working in the past, and found my studies rewarding, but have no desire to return to the profession which once was mine. I have been blessed with the raising of two children, the care of a lovely home and a garden, and have many friends and church family with whom I share much of my life.. And yet I am conscious of a sense of unease, uncertainty, a haunting fear that somehow I have failed to use the gifts and opportunities given me in the way that God desires.

In two years, my daughter will be finished school, and my role as mother-at-home will be over. What then? Does God want me to go on being quietly busy with many small tasks, loving people, listening and caring as I can; or is it time to embark upon something bigger, something new, which will change the pattern of my life? When you recall my lack of ambition, this kind of dilemma is a particularly tricky one to resolve, as I really have no idea what I could be doing instead!

The real point of this though is that I am in danger of letting myself believe that my lack of career/achievement indicates a lack of significance or status, or worth. I am being tempted to think that if I became as busy and super-efficient as many of my friends, then somehow I would be doing better with my life – is that necessarily true?

The bible states over and over that my worth derives from the price which God – my maker – puts upon me; and in the death of Jesus on the cross that price is written large enough for even me to see! I am worth the blood of the precious son of God, there was no higher price which could be paid. I am incapable of making myself more precious to God by anything I do!

So if my worth derives from God’s incredible love for me, not my achievements, how can I know what is the right thing to do with my time and talents in the days and years ahead? Am I to continue to be content with the mosaic of small, beautiful and relatively undemanding jobs which I currently fulfill? Or is it necessary to make some big changes, perhaps to return to study?

This dilemma is not ultimately mine to solve , and if I can learn to keep handing it over to the God whose business it is to guide and shepherd his flock, then I will find the peace I crave as I wait and look for the way ahead. Will I not trust that the Great Shepherd is able to show a willing sheep the way it should go?! Do I not really believe that He has my best interests at heart, and that these will be for His glory as well as my blessing?

This is my challenge for the days and months ahead. To wait upon God with hope and expectation that He can and will make the path clear for me, in His good time, and until then to continue in a spirit of contentment with my life as He currently directs it. Active waiting does not come very easily to us, we want immediate answers and direction for the future. But perhaps in the waiting itself, God is doing something very significant in our hearts and our relationship with Him. Faith that has not learned to trust in God’s silences, in times of apparent inactivity, is vulnerable. By contrast, the trust and peace demonstrated in the lives of those who have learnt to wait in hope for God is incredibly attractive and a powerful witness to the work of God in their hearts.

May I be given the strength each day to wait in hope, to trust that God will do what He promises to do, and to let my fears be silenced by the song of His love for me which He pours into my ear at all times.