Dust-bound…

I lie in the dust, completely discouraged; revive me by your word. I told you my plans, and you answered. Now teach me your principles. Help me understand the meaning of your commandments, and I will meditate on your wonderful miracles. I weep with grief; encourage me by your word. Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your law. I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your laws. I cling to your decrees. Lord, don’t let me be put to shame! If you will help me, I will run to follow your commands.

(Ps 119.25-32)

If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. If you reject criticism, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding.

(Pr 15.31-32)

So get rid of all the filth and evil in  your lives, and humbly accept the message God has planted in your hearts, for it is strong enough to save your souls. And remember, it is a message to obey, not just to listen to. If you don’t obey, you are only fooling yourself. For if you just listen and don’t obey, it is like looking at your face in a mirror but doing nothing to improve your appearance. You see yourself, walk away and forget what you look like. But if you keep looking steadily into God’s perfect law – the law that sets you free – and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, than God will bless you for doing it. 

(Jas 1.21-25)

I am thankful that when we read the scriptures handed down to us, we find the people of God struggling with doubts, burdened in spirit and sometimes utterly discouraged. Their experiences – recorded for us in God’s mercy and through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit – are profoundly reassuring when we face our own periods of heaviness, doubt and despondency.

Here we find the saints of old pouring out their grief over the world, and over the state of their own hearts – the largest to the smallest matter is fit to bring to the mercy-seat of the Almighty when it comes burdening one of his beloved children. How wonderful to have such ready access to a loving, accepting heart; how amazing to know that when we come in near despair at the apparent inactivity of the God in whom we seek to trust, still he welcomes us and cherishes our tears and agonies. Our struggles to believe in the face of the barrage of reasons to doubt are precious to our Father, and our resolute clinging to his word as our source of security and strength is entirely the work of his spirit.

So today I am summoned not to hide my griefs away, to put on a brave face, but to come with all the mess, doubt and fear which stirs within me and robs me of my peace. To come and confess that I have deceived myself, harbouring false images of my own godliness. It is painful to be undeceived, to see that I had begun to take pride in myself, but it is necessary. Instead, I am forcibly presented with unpleasant truths about selfishness, indolence, and an unloving spirit.

O God, when shall I be free of this deceitful spirit? When shall I finally live as one with nothing to be ashamed of? Only when my resurrection body finally stands before you in glory shall I know that total freedom of which now I have tantalising glimpses. Only then shall I be free of this interminable battle to stand against my own weakness and the wiles of the evil one – make it happen soon, dear Lord your children are hungry for holiness and weary of war…

Only in Jesus’s death for me can I find comfort in these days – this is love; unmistakeable, inexplicable, unshakeable. My failure to grow in holiness; my self-centred and small-mindedness; my failure in loving and serving; my ineffectual living….all these things are somehow forgiven, and I am loved. I am ashamed to fail my Lord in so many ways, to bring so little honour to his name – and to know that this will be the case until he mercifully takes me home.

O Lord, encourage me in your word; teach me your ways and comfort my griefs.  I can do nothing worthwhile, think nothing good, believe nothing true, unless you enable me. May I receive your gentle and loving correction as you show me the truth of my own heart, so that your word and Spirit bear fruit in my life which does honour to you, and blesses those to whom you have sent me.

 

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