Category Archives: perseverance

When I feel so useless..

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Declare what is to be, present it – let them take counsel together. Who foretold this long ago, who declared it from the distant past? Was it not I, the Lord? And there is no God apart from me, a righteous God and a Saviour; there is none but me…

“Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all you who remain of the house of Israel, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and  carried since your birth. Even to your old age and grey hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. 

I am God, and there is no other; I am God and there is none like me. I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please… What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do… I will grant salvation to Zion, my splendour to Israel.

(Is 45.21; 46.3&4,9&10,13)

“When [our plans] are interrupted, his are not. His plans are proceeding exactly as scheduled, moving us always (including those minutes or hours or years which seem most useless, or wasted, or unendurable).” (Elisabeth Elliot; 1926-2015)

The sun is splitting the skies, the birds are singing and there is a tangible excitement as spring dances on the edge of our days, with so much light and colour and the promise of more to come.

And I am unwell; confined to the house; moving stiff and carefully; sleeping badly and feeling as though my world has contracted to a tiny space. What will I do with this challenge? Last week, I wrote that our speech and actions should not be determined by our circumstances… and now I am labouring to prove the strength of the Lord in pursuing patience, gentleness and acceptance of his plan for these days.

Such situations are always a good exercise in recognising how our ego likes to continually add up ‘worth-points’, totting up every activity on some invisible register which somehow makes me significant or valued by God. It is humbling when – as now – there is nothing to add up! Will I accept that for the moment, my Lord asks me to embrace inactivity, weakness and discomfort, and in and through those things, to find ways to praise him? There is so much to be thankful for; will I poison those good things by resenting what God has chosen to withhold? And surely that would show clearly that I value the gifts much more than their giver..

So often in these situations, I go to Elisabeth Elliot’s strong spiritual sense – she never pretended to anyone that being a Christian would be a bed of roses, and her uncompromising words brace me, showing me the truth – that my furious rejection of this season of illness is simply a tantrum of self, and a refusal to trust that God is good, and has a right to do as he pleases with his creation. I am not indispensable, and I am loved, saved and accepted not because of what I do, but because of Jesus’ love and death for me.

I have been brought into relationship with the God of creation, the Almighty and eternal One in order that I might share in his great purposes for the kingdom of Jesus. Do I believe that He will complete what He has begun? If I do, then my own part – anything which I can do is a privilege and not a means of earning my place – is entirely up to God to direct, and certainly not up to me to dictate! Pride and self-importance have no place in this relationship, all comes to me as God’s free and loving gift. The challenging and austere words of William Law show me how I can truly glorify the Lord in the trials of this time.. and also show me how very far I am from that state of highest faith and deepest trust.. may the Lord have mercy and sustain me to glorify him in whatever he may decree should lie ahead.

“Receive every inward and outward trouble, every disappointment, pain, uneasiness, temptation, darkness and desolation, with both thy hands, as a true opportunity and a blessed occasion of dying to self, and entering into a fuller relationship with thy self-denying and suffering saviour.

Look at no inward or outward trouble in any other view, reject every other thought about it: and then every kind of trial and distress will become the blessed day of thy prosperity. That state is best, which exerciseth the highest faith in, and fullest resignation to God.” (William Law; 1686-1761)

Never abandoned or forsaken

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Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

(Ps 139.7-12)

“O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

(Dan 3.16-18)

But now, this is what the Lord says – he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze..”

(Isa 43.1&2)

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him… Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? …in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

(Rom 8.25,35,37-39)

I suspect that I have written about this before, but it bears repeating…. as God’s beloved children, those redeemed by his son and alive with his divine life, we are never left alone to face anything that may happen to us… never.

The importance of grasping this was brought home to me again recently during a bible study discussion of the desolation of those who feel that God has shut them out, that there is silence and no sense of his presence with them. That experience is very real indeed, and can be utterly devastating to the confidence of a believer… not only are bad things happening, but the one source of comfort has become mute, and there is no perception of love, or even interest in their plight. What can we do?

God has asked his people throughout history to trust him in the darkness; to trust him for the improbable and the impossible; to trust him and praise him when things go wrong, and never to believe the lies which have been told from the beginning – that God doesn’t really care for our good, that his ways are not loving, and that we must look out for ourselves. God has called his people to believe that there is something worse than all the troubles which life may bring – and that is to choose to live without him, to deny ourselves the hope of glory and eternal joy, to refuse to believe that there can be a life worth dying for.

When, by faith and the blessed strengthening of the Spirit of God within us, we hold on to God’s promises in the face of severe trials, we defy the darkness and the evil; we claim God’s goodness and our inheritance as his children, and affirm that what lies ahead of us is worth infinitely more than anything we may lose here. This is what Stephen the martyr did; this is what Shadrach and his companions did, and what Paul stated as he endured so much suffering; this is the example that Jesus set for us – enduring the cross, utterly focussed on the good things which God had planned for him, trusting God utterly with everything.

All the promises, all the stories, are there to encourage us in the face of divine silence and apparent inaction. We are to learn that when we feel alone and forsaken, it is never true; when everything seems to be going wrong and we can’t see the good outcome we desire, it isn’t the end. God keeps his children safe as they cling to him in spite of silence and desolation; keeps them through devastating troubles and unspeakable pain; and through death itself he brings them into his nearer presence, prepared for glory and unimaginable fullness of life.

Friends, when the silence is deafening, and the darkness void of love’s warmth, let us take courage and stand firm: praying, lamenting, praising and living as though the promises were true, taking God at his word and knowing that we are not alone.

Uncomfortable reading

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“This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, said to me: ‘Take from my hand this cup filled with the wine of my wrath and make all the nations to whom I send you drink it.. Now prophesy all these words against them and say to them: “‘The Lord will roar from on high; he will thunder from his holy dwelling and roar mightily against his land. He will shout like those who tread the grapes, shout against all who live on the earth. The tumult will resound to the ends of the earth, for the Lord will bring charges against the nations; he will bring judgment on all mankind and put the wicked to the sword,'” declares the Lord.

(Jer 25.15,30-31)

The tempter came to [Jesus], and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread,’ Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man does not live on bread alone, but on every mouth that comes from the mouth of God,'”

(Matt.4.3&4)

“You diligently study the scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life.

(Jn 5.39&40)

[Jesus] said to them, “How foolish you are, and how slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken! Did not the Christ have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?” And beginning with Moses and all the prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the scriptures concerning himself.

(Lk 24.25-27)

..continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holy scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

(2Tim 3.14-17)

In recent years, I have been privileged to spend time reading and thinking about Job, Isaiah, and Daniel in local bible study groups. These have been occasions of great blessing, but also very challenging as they bring me face to face with some difficult truths about human life, divine sovereignty, the reality of evil and the facts of suffering.

I am aware that over the years, I must have heard many sermons on these themes, and yet every time I come across another difficult, violent passage like the one quoted above from Jeremiah, I find myself wincing away from it, deeply disturbed by the images conjured up. What am I, a 21st century Christian who enjoys health, peace and freedom, to make of the sheer quantity of bloodshed, wrathful speech, grim forebodings of judgement and general gloom which characterise so much of the Old Testament?

I do not subscribe to the notion that our bible – combining as it does the Hebrew scriptures, the gospels and epistles – actual talks about two different deities. I do not believe that there is a vengeful Old Testament God, and a loving New Testament God. For one thing, there is nowhere that Jesus attempts to distance himself from the Hebrew Scriptures and their portrayal of the God of Israel. This was the only scripture which Jesus knew, and the one from which he drew in explaining his mission, calling and identity to his followers! If there were some deep issues with the Old Testament portrayal of God, the heavenly Father who so loved the world that he sent his son to die, then surely Jesus would have dealt with it?

No, my Lord and Saviour regarded the Hebrew scriptures as the word of God, the source of truth, and the place where all the teaching necessary to prepare his people for his coming had been recorded. I must then follow his lead, and begin from a place of acceptance, trust and willingness to learn – and to accept that my own human understanding is limited!

I want to grow in maturity of faith and understanding, I want to be able to handle the word wisely and not to be afraid of the difficult things, and so I invest in resources, I ask questions, I push myself to try and change lazy habits of thinking. Sometimes it feels like my brain is stuck – but I trust that the Holy Spirit can undo the knots and barriers to comprehension, and that as I continue to approach the word humbly, willing to learn and to face hard things, to hold seeming contradictions together, I will indeed be better equipped to serve my Lord, wherever he may call me.

Slow to learn….

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Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation. Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song.

For the Lord is the great God, the great King above all gods. In his hand are the depths of the earth, and the mountain peaks belong to him. The sea is his, for he made it, and his hands formed the dry land. 

Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the Lord our Maker; for he is our God and we are the people of his pasture, the flock under his care.

Today, if only you would hear his voice, “Do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah, as you did that day at Massah in the wilderness, where your ancestors tested me; they tried me, though they had seen what I did.”

(Ps 95.1-9)

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear… Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?… pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

(Matt 6.25-27,32-34)

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life.

(Phil 2.14-16)

Next year’s flowers are already in the making – under the ground, bulbs are putting forth roots and preparing for the right time to send up shoots. Snowdrops, aconites and the early daffodils will come first, bringing hope as they always do, in the midst of cold, dark days. The buds of next spring’s viburnum, rhododendron and azalea are forming on the branches even now – fulfilment of their maker’s plan for them is as sure as the changing of the seasons, they do not suffer doubt when the darkness comes. Indeed, the cold, short days are necessary to prompt the growth! Sadly, I am not so faithful to my maker’s plans and purposes for me, and the darkness and cold of uncertainty, grief and change often spark withdrawal, self-pity and a grumbling resentment.

Have I not learnt anything from all the faithfulness which God has shown to me and to his church? Have I not learnt from the lessons of the saints through the ages, and of those still living around me who testify to the love, power and help of their heavenly Father? Have I learnt nothing from the example of Jesus himself, who in the deepest and darkest time committed himself in faith to the Father, embracing the divine will and surrendering himself to it. After that agonised hour in the garden, Jesus never turned back, never resisted, never bemoaned his lot, but did what was necessary with an obedient and resolute heart.

It would appear that I am a very poor learner… my endurance is not with hope but with grumbling resignation; I am quick to tell my troubles instead of being quick to listen to others and taking my own burdens to God. Instead of responding with earnest and urgent petitions, I am grudging and slow to ask, unwilling to raise my expectations by praying.. God’s promises become a mockery in my ears, because they are not being fulfilled in the ways that I want..

Loving Heavenly Father, I confess today that I am not patient in my waiting, not cheerful in uncertainty, and that I am quick to resent the ways that you choose to deal with me. I confess this sin of presumption, and recognise the folly and arrogance which lies behind it – the desire to be in control.

Deliver me from this mean and petty spirit, from fretting and self-pity. Renew my hope, so that my heart is not sickened as I wait for you. Renew my faith, so that I am not tempted to make excuses or explain away the things that you choose to permit. Help me to believe in each new situation that you are at work, even though I cannot know your plans. You will fulfil your promises in new ways, because your faithfulness is unchanging. Let me be like Jesus, who embraced your will for him, and walked steadily into the darkness and the unknown. Let me honour you and choose to trust.

A patchwork of praise and petition..

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To the lead player, a David psalm.

In You, O Lord, I shelter. Let me never be shamed. In Your bounty, O free me. Incline Your ear to me. Quick, save me.

Be my stronghold of rock, a fort-house to rescue me. For You are my crag and my bastion, and for Your name’s sake guide me and lead me. Get me out of the net that they laid for me, for You are my stronghold.

In Your hand I commend my spirit. You redeemed me, O Lord, God of truth. I hate those who look to vaporous lies. As for me, I trust in the Lord. Let me exult and rejoice in Your kindness, that You saw my affliction, You knew the straits of my life. And You did not yield me to my enemy’s hand, You set my feet in a wide-open place.

Grant me grace, Lord, for I am distressed….. For all my enemies I become a disgrace, just as much to my neighbours, and fear to my friends. Those who see me outside draw back from me. Forgotten from the heart like the dead, I become like a vessel lost…

As for me, I trust in You, O Lord. I say, “You are my God.” My times are in Your hand – O save me from the hand of my enemies, my pursuers. Shine Your face on Your servant, rescue me in Your kindness. Lord, let me not be shamed, for I call You….

How great Your goodness that You hid for those who fear You. You have wrought for those who shelter in You before the eyes of humankind. Conceal them in the hiding-place of Your presence from the crookedness of man……

Love the Lord, all his faithful, steadfastness the Lord keeps … Be strong, and let your heart be firm, all who hope in the Lord.

(Psalm 31.1-12,15-18,20&21,24&25: R. Alter translation*)

A few years ago, I received a new translation of the book of Psalms, by a notable Hebrew scholar, annotated with his own observations on the texts and their meaning. I have dipped into it occasionally since then, and often find that the sparse and fresh expression of texts which in older translations are very familiar, is refreshing and enriching. This particular psalm is introduced with the observation that many of the phrases and images are echoes of other psalms and parts of the bible – the books of Job and Jeremiah. I loved the idea that the author, whoever they were, did not hesitate to take words and ideas from all over their scriptures in order to praise God and to express their prayers.

Jesus makes a very explicit point in teaching his disciples, that prayer is not about the cleverness of one’s words, or the length of one’s sentences, but about honesty and straight-dealing with our God, from whom nothing is hidden. And I think that we should never be ashamed when we find ourselves using the words of others to praise or bring our petitions to God – when someone has found ways to express what we think and feel in powerful ways, we naturally find ourselves using their images and words ourselves!

The danger in using other people’s words comes when we do so unthinking, relying on their clever or powerful language to make our case, instead of truly meaning what we say. I know that some particularly well-beloved hymns are very difficult to sing meaningfully because I know them off by heart and can repeat the words parrot-fashion… that is not worship, or prayer.

In this case, we find the psalmist gathering images which speak powerfully of God’s care, of strength and refuge, of deliverance and reasons to hope – ultimately, hoping in God’s desire that all be done to honour his name and glory… so that His name will be hallowed and exalted as his power, love and justice are witnessed at work on behalf of his people. There is urgency, and passion, and also a deep understanding of God’s faithfulness to those who trust in him alone. As I read these words in a fresh translation, I am stimulated to think about where my trust is, and to make this psalm a true prayer of my own.

Let us rejoice that we have so many sources from which to draw as we come to God in prayer and praise – all the riches of the Hebrew scriptures; all the dynamic and beautiful texts of the gospels and letters; the incredible treasury of texts written by saints through the ages of the church and the hymns and songs which God’s people use in worship. May God keep us sincere and truthful in our prayer and praising, no matter where our words come from, fiull of thankfulness for his goodness to us in every way.

(The Book of Psalms – a translation with commentary: Robert Alter, 2007, WW Norton &Co Ltd London)

A fresh air blowing…

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Faith opens all the windows to God’s wind….

(G Macdonald – 1824-1905: Diary of an Old Soul)

Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.

(Gen 2.7)

I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” I said,  “O Sovereign Lord, you alone know.” Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord!… I will make breath enter you and you will come to life… Then you will know that I am the Lord.'”

“This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe into these slain, that they may live.'” So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet..

(Ezek 37. 3-6,9&10)

“Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”

(Jn 3.6-8)

The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else… God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’

(Acts 17.24-28)

As I sit to write today, the windows are open all over the house, and there is a steady sound of wind and sea blowing in, it makes my heart dance to hear it and to smell the fresh air wherever I go. We instinctively know that it is not good for us to live in sealed boxes, that we need air and the refreshing power of wind to invigorate our senses.

The wind itself gives us a powerful picture of God’s spirit at work in the world; Jesus’ words point out that we cannot see either one, and yet we clearly see their impact as they pass! I believe that ever since I was first able to acknowledge Jesus as Lord of my life, this Spirit has been a constant presence, a power of transformation as God makes me new and more Christ-like day by day. I also believe that I can and should reflect on the work of the Spirit – in the way that we go from room to room in our houses and decide where the air is stale and where there is danger of mould setting in!

The breath of life is God at work to make dead bones live, to bring humanity out of the sin-death in which it is bound and to revive it for a glorious future in the new creation. The breath of life is also God at work in his children, like a diligent housekeeper, seeking those places where transformation is yet to be realised, those rooms which have been closed against Him thus far, or where the dust has been allowed to accumulate and the air to grow stale.

Bear with me, the picture is a little flippant, but the point is valid… as I reflect on my life, I ask the Lord to show me where I am resisting the work of that Spirit of life and transformation; I ask to recognise those things which I am keeping out of his reach, in case I should be asked to do something about them!

I ask the Lord to show me those things which are lurking like mouldy newspapers, in a corner of my life, so much rubbish but also potentially dangerous to my faith if I neglect to deal with them.

I ask the Lord to breathe transforming power into my vision of him, so that as I see the love, power and beauty of Christ, my courage is renewed, my hope strengthened, and my desire to serve him revived, so that I cannot rest until I am active in sharing the gospel.

 O Lord Jesus, let me throw the windows wide. Blow through me with life and vigour and stir me up to fresh zeal and eagerness to serve you and glorify you and to delight in you. Breath of life itself, permeate all my inner chambers and fill them with the clean and wholesome airs of your truth, power and faithfulness. Make my house sing!

I change, He changes not..

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O Master, You have been our abode in every generation. Before mountains were born, before You spawned earth and world, from forever to forever You are God. You bring man back to the dust and say, “Turn back, humankind.” For a thousand years in Your eyes are like yesterday gone, like a watch in the night… The days of our years are but seventy years, and if in great strength, eighty years. and their pride is trouble and grief, for swiftly cut down, we fly off. .. To count our days rightly, instruct, that we may get a heart of wisdom…. Sate us in the morn with Your kindness, let us sing and rejoice all our days…. Let your acts be seen by Your servants and Your glory by their children. And may the sweetness of the Master our God be upon us and the work of our hands firmly found for us, and the work of our hands firmly found!

(Ps 901-4,10,12,14,16&17: R Alter translation)

“All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands for ever.”

(Isa 40.6-8)

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

(Matt 6.19-21)

It can be easy to talk glibly about how God is faithful to us through all our seasons of life, when we have been spared tragedy, upheaval, violence, betrayal and real encounter with evil and persecution. I am aware as I contemplate the changes in my personal life, and also in the national institution to which my local congregation belongs, that I have made many unwise assumptions about what lasts, and what can be depended on.

I grew up thinking that the church – as I knew it then – would simply continue to exist in the form which I knew it – a large and loving family, rich in generosity and sharing across generations. When we moved to this beloved place where we now live, I thought that this might be a place to which I could give my heart and and look forward to retiring among the community who have welcomed and loved me. I was wrong about both of these things and it is unnerving to find how much this error is disturbing me and challenging my faith.

We tell ourselves that nothing lasts forever except God – and then we give our hearts to a person, an institution, a career, a family, an ideal or an ambition. All of these things can and probably will not last, they are not eternal, not the stuff of which forever is made. and so we are hurt, we grieve the losses and wonder how to live well in a world where nothing can be depended on. The bible tells us clearly that God alone is unchanging, eternal, faithful and on that we can build a life of fulfilling activity and service – and because of that, we can enjoy the people, careers, families and institutions which are his gift to us. It is possible to fully appreciate all these things, so long as we fit them into our lives around the central reality that God alone will last, and only in Him do we find the security and eternal significance which we crave.

As I navigate this season of change then, I come to learn afresh that my faith must rest in God alone, in the work and person of Jesus Christ. I must not be the kind of christian whose walk with the Lord depends upon a certain tradition, particular music, the company of particular people on my journey. I follow Jesus, my loyalty is to him alone, and not ultimately to any institution or pattern of worship; my faith will not die if I lose any of his good gifts to me – indeed, every loss, every change is an invitation to re-consecrate myself to Him alone in dependence and trust. Let me sing the words of this great hymn as a fresh reminder to myself that no matter what happens to me, by God’s grace, I am safe with Him.

I hear the words of love, I gaze upon the blood, I see the mighty sacrifice, and I have peace with God.

‘Tis everlasting peace, sure as Jehovah’s name; ’tis stable as His steadfast throne and evermore the same.

The clouds may come and go, and storms may sweep my sky – this blood-sealed friendship changes not: the cross is ever nigh.

My love is oft-times low, my joy still ebbs and flows; but peace with Him remains the same – no change Jehovah knows.

I change, He changes not, the Christ can never die; His love, not mine, the resting-place, His truth, not mine, the tie.

(Horatius Bonar, 1808-89)

Holding my line..

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“.. listen obediently to God, your God, and keep the commandments and regulations written in this book of revelation. Nothing half-hearted here, you must return to God, your God, totally, heart and soul, holding nothing back… And I command you today: Love God, your God. Walk in his ways. Keep his commandments so that you will live, really live, live exuberantly, blessed by God, your God…

“I call heaven and earth to witness against you today: I place before you life and death, blessing and curse. Choose life… And love God, your God, listening obediently to him, firmly embracing him. Oh yes, he is life itself, a long life…

(Deut 30.10,16,19-20)

Do you hear lady wisdom calling?.. right in the city square where the traffic is thickest, she shouts, “You – I’m talking to all of you.. –  I’m telling you how to live well, I’m telling you how to live at your best.. Blessed the man, blessed the woman, who listens to me, awake and ready for me each morning, alert and responsive as I start my day’s work. When you find me, you find life, real life, to say nothing of God’s good pleasure..”

(Pr 8.1,3,6,32-35)

“I am the good shepherd. I know my own sheep and my own sheep know me. … My sheep recognise my voice. I know them, and  they follow me. I give them real and eternal life.

(Jn 10.13&27)

I am a choral singer – that means I sing with lots of other people, not necessarily at the same time or in the same notes.. one of the most important skills we have to develop is to hold our own lines against others when they are doing totally different things from us! It struck me at a recent rehearsal – where not only the other singers but also the orchestra are doing things that clash horribly with my line of music – that this discipline and skill of both finding and then sticking to my own line is a metaphor for the life of a follower of Jesus in a world of hostility to the gospel.

From the very beginning of the story – when Adam and Eve chose to listen to a different voice, singing a different tune – it has been clear that who we listen to will have huge consequences for us and our eternal wellbeing. By listening to, and acting in agreement with, the voice of the serpent, Eve set in train events which are still being played out today. She and Adam knew the voice of God, and chose to listen to another instead.

God has always given his people freedom to listen to other voices, but if we choose to follow their advice, or stop listening for his voice, then we will be heading for trouble. A singer has to listen to all that is going on, but if they are to hold their own line, there will be certain chords and notes which will give them the cues they need and the support to keep going as the composer intended they should! Do I know where to find those cues among the cacophany of other voices which bombard me all the time, suggesting that God cannot be trusted, that Jesus is a myth, that religion is a private thing and not to be talked of, or that it is dangerous and something to be ashamed of?

Followers of Jesus listen for his voice – we turn to the records of his ministry, to the letters of his disciples, to the Hebrew scriptures from which he quoted and where he saw himself foreshadowed. We listen for his voice in scripture, and we listen hard, so that every tone and characteristic becomes dear and instantly recognisable, no matter what else is going on.

Followers of Jesus also listen for each other – just like the others in my particular section of the choir. We hear one another, we depend on one another’s discerning and ability to hold the tune against others – as a group we are so much better and stronger than on our own. In the same way, I am weakened in my faith-listening if I never do it with others, I make myself so much more vulnerable than I need to be!

Almighty God, give your children the will and the discernment to listen out for and fix upon your voice among all that would distract us. Bless us with companions who desire to listen to you, and who will help us to remain faithful to your tune, your rhythm, your composition for this world and your work in it. Help us, if and when we stumble in our line, to realise quickly that we are astray, and to listen with fresh hunger and desire for you, so that we return to your path and glorify you.

On the way home

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In that day this song will be sung in the land of Judah: “We have a strong city; he sets up salvation as walls and bulwarks. Open the gates, that the righteous nation that keeps faith may enter in. You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock…. The path of the righteous is level; you make level the way of the righteous. In the path of your judgements, O Lord, we wait for you; your name and remembrance are the desire of our soul. My soul yearns for you in the night; my spirit within me earnestly seeks you. For when your judgements are in the earth, the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness.. O Lord, you will ordain peace for us, for you have indeed done for us all our works.

(Isa 26.1-4,7-9 & 12)

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

(Jn 16.33)

As a follower of Jesus, I live in an in-between time, a waiting and watching time, and yet a time when my Lord commands my full commitment to living with and for him in the present and place where I am. For over two millenia, Christians have existed with this tension, and still we wait, reading history through the lens of God’s revelation of his ways with humankind, and discerning how as time goes by, the truth of that revelation is underscored again and again. Therefore, we wait in hope, as those who are confident in the fulfillment of their expectations and content to be busy meanwhile about their master’s business. I cannot know when he will return, but I want to be actively working and worshipping when he comes!

The passage in Isaiah is a meditation on what it is like to inhabit this now-and-not-yet state; to be saved and yet still live with temptations; to be on the victor’s side and yet still experience the pain and damage of warfare; to be transformed into God’s beloved children and yet still live in a world and with people who do not know him and with all the devastating consequences of sin. The believer recognises that peace is the gift of God, indeed, all that is needed for our salvation and eternal life is from God’s gracious hand. It is his choice to make us secure in his family and give us an inheritance in the city of salvation which he has made. It is by God’s grace that we are able to keep faith, in spite of sin and failing in this world, to go on desiring his glory and a better, closer, truer relationship with him every day.  

As we choose to live according to his judgements, accepting his definition of right and wrong, living within the boundaries which he lovingly appoints for us, we walk in his paths. As we choose to accept those troubles which he judges permissible, living in a fallen world, under all the consequences of our sins and those of others, accepting them by faith as his decrees and continuing to seek his glory and to obey him, then we walk in his paths. In both those kinds of walking, we are waiting for God to reveal himself through our lives to others – to demonstrate his grace and goodness and love and speak to them.

As I go into another year, with trouble on all sides and many voices clamouring for my attention, I pray that – with Isaiah – I might say the name and renown of the Lord is the desire of my heart, and that I yearn day and night to know and honour him more. I pray that I might trust that the peace which is my portion in Jesus is indeed fully mine – that I might face trials steadily and base my life in God’s promises and the knowledge that he makes my path smooth as I follow in faith where he leads. I am on the way home, to a glory, a love, a family all beyond my wildest dreams; let my heart therefore not be troubled as I walk through  this shadowy realm, waiting on the Lord in my spirit and finding him ever present as my unshakeable rock and salvation.

Just… tired

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You pushed me into this, God, and I let you do it. You were too much for me and now I’m a public joke.. all I get for my God-warnings are insults and contempt. But if I say, ‘Forget it! No more God-messages from me!’, the words are like a fire in my belly, a burning in my bones. I’m worn out trying to hold it in. I can’t do it any longer.. Oh, God of the angel armies, no one fools you. You see through everyone, everything… I rest my case with you.. Curse the day I was born! The day my mother bore me – a curse on it I say!… Why, oh why, did I ever leave that womb? Life’s been nothing but trouble and tears, and what’s coming is more of the same.

(Jer 20.7-9,12,14&18, the Message translation)

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.”

(Matt 13.44-46)

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

(Matt 16.24-26)

I cannot unsee what I have seen. I cannot unbelieve what I have believed. I cannot undo a life of willing and glad surrender to a loving Father. I do not want to do these things, in the deepest places of my spirit, I am bound absolutely in love to my Saviour, and worship with gladness. And yet, I am so tired. I never realised properly before that this is what it means to bear a cross daily – to live as one belonging to another kingdom, who must yet be fully alive to all that is wrong here and now, and suffer all the evils of this broken world.

On the one hand, I know myself beloved, redeemed, securely bound for an eternity and fulness of life beyond my dreams – free from burdens of guilt, free to love and forgive others, free to spend myself for them knowing that there is one who cares for me more than any human creature ever could.

On the other hand, I live with a weight of knowledge – of sin and judgement to come; of the impending departure of so many precious souls to eternal exile; of just how badly broken this world is, and how there is no hope for it apart from Christ; above all, of my own failure to be what I desire to be for him. I live with the reality of prayers which appear unanswered; of the disastrous consequences of human sin, and the deafening noise of suffering on every hand.

I am near to be crushed by the guilt which comes over me when the burden of daily realities is so much more present in my mind, so much more effective in setting my attitudes and influencing my feelings. I am ashamed that I, for whom life has been so smooth and easy, should be finding faith such a struggle. Where is the victorious life of the disciple? Where is the ability to rejoice in trials; to fix my eyes on God’s promises and thus to find joy and hope in the present? The disconnect between how I ought to live, and how I actually live is so great. I could find it in myself to envy the birds, the dumb beasts, all the lively creatures which glorify God by being, and have no spirit to discipline and subdue, no will to wrestle back into obedience. I know that I do sometimes wonder at the cheerfulness of unbelieving friends who seem to navigate life – and often troubled lives – with a spirit of optimism and lightness, unburdened by faith. Why should faith be such a heavy weight to bear, when it is also such a blessing?

Lord, I am just so tired of fighting to be faithful in face of grief, and loss; to be hopeful in the face of profound discouragement; to believe in the teeth of denial that you are at work and doing good things.

I am ashamed of this weakness, and yet convinced that you – who walked this earth, bearing in your body all our human experiences – do indeed understand and have compassion on me. I do not want to dishonour you, but to learn how to walk humbly and fruitfully through this shadow place in trust and obedience. Show me ever more clearly what is mine in my Saviour, that I might value him ever more highly as my treasure beyond price and infinitely worth persevering for. Stir up my desire for a closer walk with you, may your Spirit within enable a cheerful and persevering spirit, to cast out the weariness and lassitude which drain hope and joy. Have mercy Lord, Amen.