Category Archives: identity

On being reminded of one’s weakness..

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“You’re kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you. Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don’t make a performance out of it. It might be good theatre, but the God who made you won’t be applauding. When you do something for someone else, don’t call attention to it..”

(Matt 5.48-6.2)

Something relatively trivial happened today, a long-awaited plan to meet a friend fell through due to an error on my part in naming the date. She had arranged her diary to accommodate me on one day, but I was hoping to see her the next day… Two disappointed people, and one with every good reason to be irritated at the other! And my reaction to the discovery that it was my error gave me pause to reflect… Why was I so upset? My friend has (I think) forgiven me and we will manage a short meeting, but I am left with a rather sick feeling and discomfort. I realised that it is because I am rather proud of myself as a friend – as the one who keeps appointments, makes a lot of effort to maintain relationships – and this episode has undermined that good opinion! I have been gently and clearly reminded that I am mortal, frail and as prone to error as my neighbour – there are no grounds for pride here, only gratitude for the kindness and friendship of others who are willing to forgive me.

This small event has also served as a reminder of the larger and more important relationship in my life – with Jesus my Lord, and my Heavenly Father, with whom I live by the Spirit at work in me. I need to guard against the temptation to think well of myself as a believer, to remember that of myself, I could do nothing towards my salvation and that I am utterly dependent on my Father’s love and the Son’s atoning death in order to receive the kindness and forgiveness which I need. I will never deserve God’s goodness, in the same way that I do not deserve the kindness of my friends. But I am so grateful for both!

Some of Jesus’ harshest words were for those who were proud of their spiritual habits, performance and status, whose self-worth derived in large part from being known for their public piety, generosity and diligent attendance at synagogue or temple. Believers are just as vulnerable to this trap, whereby the devil twists what are actually good habits into becoming a source of false pride. When we like to be thought of by others as somehow extra-specially holy, biblically knowledgeable, or prayerful, then we are trapped into performance and base our worth on actions instead of on Christ’s sacrificial death for us.

I am brought back over and over again to the truth that it is only in God’s naming of us as his beloved, redeemed children that we find our significance and self-worth. When I begin to value the opinion of others (and my own opinion of myself), then I am drifting away from my only security, which is in Christ. I want to be kept prayerfully aware of my own weakness in this regard; to keep asking to be cleansed by the Spirit from all false pride in myself and filled instead with gratitude for what I have been made by Christ, and am being enabled daily to do by the Spirit. If there is any pride, then it should be in my Saviour, by whose blood I am bought, and whose life in me is the source of all that is good.

This reliance upon Christ alone also releases me from excessive reaction to my own ongoing weakness. My friend knows my heart and has forgiven me – I am not less in her eyes because of my error. How much more does Jesus know my heart, and forgive my errors! I need not spiral down into self-condemnation after making mistakes, but instead rejoice that my value as a person in God’s sight is unchanged! His hold on me is as firm and tenderly secure as it will ever be, and my experiences of failure or error simply make his love and faithfulness to me even more precious and life-giving. I truly rest in him, I give over the burdens and accept in return the weighty gift of grace.

Daring to believe….

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Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin. 

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

(Heb 4.14-16)

..he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him…

(Ps 103.10-13)

IF we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

(1 Jn 1.8&9)

Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him…The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body.. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace!

(Rom 6.8,10-12&14)

I wrote last week of how a long-standing confusion and trouble in my thinking was being gently removed as God revealed what I have long misunderstood.. perhaps you wondered what that was?! Well, I have long been bewildered by what I – as a mature, well-taught christian woman should think about the fact that I still sin. What should my attitude be? Do I beat myself up for my shortcomings? It has been all-too-often the case that the devil has used awareness of sin as a means to entrap and bind me in self-pity and despair – which then made me feel even worse as that was not godly!!

Anyway, what I want to write about today, and perhaps more in coming weeks, is what God in his mercy and gentle compassion has shown me to be true, and to share something of the transformation which that is bringing. I want to glorify and praise the God who touches his children just where they need healing, and to encourage any reader who might be similarly struggling, not to lose heart..

As a believer, I am new-made and as dead to the power of sin and death as Jesus is in his glory at God’s right hand. The authority of sin over me is broken, and it no longer masters my heart or mind, nor defines my being. I share the life of God, since the Holy Spirit dwells within me; I am learning to recognise sin and to name and view it as God does (this is what confession means) – a blight upon his good creation. As God’s beloved child, my problems are his problems – and everything that troubles me is his business, as every loving parent knows!

The sin which remains active in the life of the believer is not part of their born-again self. It is tied up with the mortal body, which one day will be put off and transformed into a perfect and sinless one. It is removed from the core of our being, detached from our essential new self as Christ-followers. We are now on God’s side against it, and the glorious news is that in Jesus, sin IS already conquered – both past and also future sins which his children may commit before they die. So I am simply being invited to access all the rich resources of Christ in dealing with a problem which is NO LONGER an issue for God. This has been a critical point for me to grasp, and how gloriously, joyously liberating it is to realise that my Father delights to show forgiveness to me for as long as I live.

 Beloved Heavenly Father, how glorious it is to know that I am the object of your love and compassion even as I depend upon your abundant provision over and over again. Thank you that you have shown me that you are not reluctant to pour out all and more than I can ever need, since this is exactly what Jesus died and rose again to make possible! I am now and forever united with you, and the sin that remains is your business to deal with – the more often I come to you for aid, the better pleased you are! Thank you, and all my praise is yours for such grace in Jesus my Lord, Amen.

Be it unto me as my Lord decrees..

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O Jesus, I have promised to serve Thee to the end; Be Thou forever near me, my Master and my Friend: I shall not fear the battle if Thou art by my side, nor wander from the pathway if Thou wilt be my Guide.

O let me feel Thee near me: the world is ever near; I see the sights that dazzle, the tempting sounds I hear; my foes are ever near me, around me and within; but, Jesus, draw Thou nearer, and shield my soul from sin.

O let me hear Thee speaking in accents clear and still, above the storms of passion, the murmurs of self-will; O speak to reassure me, to hasten or control; O speak, and make me listen, Thou Guardian of my soul.

O Jesus, Thou hast promised, to all who follow Thee, that where Thou art in glory there shall Thy servant be; and, Jesus, I have promised to serve Thee to the end: O give me grace to follow, my Master and my Friend.

(JE Bode 1816-1874)

These words are engraved on my memory; are part of the soundtrack of my life just as much as the popular music of my teenage years, or the choral music of my adult life. I sang them at the annual Founder’s day event at school, I sang them at church, and the great striding melody which accompanies the words always made me want to march as I sang! They have been true for me for as long as I remember singing them.

And today, I simply want to give thanks and bear witness to the faithfulness of the God who called me into being, who caused me to be raised in a christian home; who imperceptibly birthed faith within me; who led me into adult life and to quiet paths of service and (I trust) fruitfulness. It is all his doing, all His love and compassion and keeping. I want to join with all God’s people in affirming that He is goodness itself, and utterly trustworthy! He has declared me to be his child, delivering me from the ruling power of sin, so that I might be ruled instead by love – the divine passion to which I can fully submit, confident that all that he ordains will be for my good and for his glory.

But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness…. so now offer yourselves as slaves to righteousness leading to holiness.. now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 

(Rom 6.17-22)

Today I give thanks, along with all God’s people, that I am now a slave to righteousness and am being shaped day-by-day, through all the travails of life, into the likeness of Jesus my Lord. The commands and duties which shape my life are now all for good, and bear fruit for good, and I am empowered to know and to keep these commands because Jesus has given me his own spirit, his heart, his mind. I am on the road to eternal fullness, to never-ending fruitfulness and joy, to the bliss of being at home and without shame in the presence of holiness. And all this is because of Jesus, my master and friend, my guide and guardian. His ambition for me is outrageous, so far beyond my poor imagination, and it fills me with such a deep ache for my true home that I am increasingly eager to be away and to be with the Lord.

My slave-master is Righteousness himself, and I can surrender myself fully and confidently to his providence, because he died for me. My slave-master is Love incarnate, I need not fear his rod, nor hesitate to obey his word because he died for me. He is shaping me, in love, to become like himself – love and righteousness.. how can I resist?!

O Thou the reflection of whose transcendent glory did once appear unbroken in the face of Jesus Christ, give me today a heart like His – a brave heart, a true heart, a tender heart, a heart with great room in it, a heart fixed on Thyself; for His name’s sake. Amen

(J Baillie: A diary of Private Prayer, 1937)

Who(se) am I?

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“Who am I?  They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a Squire from his country house.

Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
freely and friendly and clearly,
as though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing
My throat, yearning for colours, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
thirsting for words of kindness, for neighbourliness,
tossing in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
faint, and ready to say farewell to it all.

Who am I? This or the Other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptible, woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me like a beaten army
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine,
Whoever I am, Thou Knowest, O God, I am thine.”

Dietriech Bonhoeffer (4/02/1906 – 9/04/1945)

I recently came upon a recording of this poem, read by the actor Tom Hanks, in recognition of the 80th anniversary of the death of its author, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, under the German Nazi regime, just months before the end of the war. The poem was written while Bonhoeffer was in prison from April 1943 until the end of his life, some two years later. (This link might help you find that recording for yourself https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBATNRYIBdc)

Now I have known nothing like the crushing grief, oppression and disempowerment which Bonhoeffer experienced in those last months and years – it is impossible to fully imagine such suffering. But perhaps, like me, you can identify with the profound sense of disconnect which he describes – between his public and private persona – and also the deep and agonised questioning of his true identity.. who am I, if I can behave so very differently at one moment from the next? 

I believe that God is the source of our identity – it is in His naming, shaping, saving and transforming that we find significance and value, and meaning. Before anything else, I am the beloved daughter of the Almighty, redeemed by my Saviour’s blood and therefore eternally precious and secure. With these truths, I am armoured against the assault of the enemy of my soul who would drive me down endless arid roads in quest of ‘my identity’, and I believe that without these truths, humanity is astray without a guide, vulnerable to every fad, philosophy, and addiction. Only my security as one who is known and kept by God, can keep me from losing everything in the attempt to find myself! I don’t need to prove anything, but rather receive the abundant grace of my loving Father and rest in his gift.

And that is why these words of a man of deep faith, profound intelligence and eloquence are so moving to me. In the end, after all is stripped from me – health, freedom, family, achievements – who am I? What is true about me; where can I find rest, when tossed between apparently contradictory behaviours and opinions? 

I find rest in God alone. I rest not in who I am, but in who He is – the Almighty who loved me enough to send his Son to die for me. No matter how deeply conflicted I am, this remains true – Christ died for me, and his death and resurrection are sufficient to bring me home to glory.

Can you sense the relief? Does the weight not lift from your heart? We don’t need to answer all the questions, don’t need to have it all understood and neatly organised – we are beloved, and our path lies in sovereign hands which cannot fail to deliver us to glory.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. (Ps 91.1&2)

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning… O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. (Ps 130.5-7)

(*photo of “Joan”, sculpted by Benno Schotz, 1891-1984, in the Perth Art Gallery)

Leave her alone!!

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Six days before the Passover, Jesus arrived at Bethany.. Here a dinner was given in Jesus’ honour. Martha served, while Lazarus was among those reclining at the table with him. Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus’ feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume….. Judas Iscariot objected, “Why wasn’t this perfume sold and the money given to the poor?”… “Leave her alone”, Jesus replied. “It was intended that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial.”

(Jn 12.1-7)

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death… What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all – will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns?

(Rom 8.1&2, 31-33)

Dear Lord, your child so often trembles under the assault of accusing words, of silent judgement and implied criticism, of scorn and derision. Her wounds are known to you and precious; her grief and fear is known to you and pitied; her weariness at failure is known to you and met with your compassion and strength.

Have mercy on your child in her distress, for Lord, you know that often the voice which speaks so bitterly is her own. Lord, have mercy, strengthen your child in your love and hold her tight.

I write this week with some trepidation, because this is very personal to me. And I write almost hoping that most of my readers will not recognise the experiences of which I write because I would not wish anyone to share them! Words, the power of words to heal or to harm; the depth to which they can cut and leave scars which never fade.. and the sad fact that those words may be my own, as I lash out against myself in vicious condemnation. Friends, for some people this is real, and while I pray you may not know it in your own life, perhaps you have family or friends who do, and I pray your compassion for them.

The story of Mary anointing Jesus’ feet with perfume and drying them with her hair is familiar, and yet it was only recently that my attention was drawn to those beautiful words of Jesus as he rebuked Judas – “Leave her alone!” Can you hear the power in his voice? Can you feel the protection which he thus puts around Mary, clothing her shockingly intimate act of worship with glory and denying all others the right to criticise or judge her? And those are the words which Jesus speaks over me too…

The Lord speaks to silence the bullying, vicious voices of condemnation – from outside and from within. And as Paul writes to the believers in Rome, if God refuses to condemn us, then who else may do so?!

Like Mary, I am fully known and utterly loved – Jesus, my defender, my champion, my lord and master rejoices to call me his own, and to reserve to himself alone the right to rebuke me, to discipline and correct my path. No other has authority to speak over my life but the voice of love; no other has the right to do so, because no other has died for my sake, in order to make me pure and clean at last.

Jesus stands between me and my accusers – even when it is my own voice which would condemn. In Jesus, I can be glad and free and proud, knowing that it is only his opinion of me which counts, and he has shown me his love. I have been singing this old hymn all my life, always thrilling to the imagery of the opening words which well express what I have tried to articulate today. May they bless you as they do me!

Jesus, thy blood and righteousness, my beauty are, my glorious dress; Midst flaming worlds in these arrayed, with joy shall I lift up my head.

Bold shall I stand in that great day, for who aught to my charge shall lay? Fully absolved through Thee I am, from sin and fear, from guilt and shame.

When from the dust of death I rise to claim my mansion in the skies, e’en then this shall be all my plea, Jesus hath lived, hath died for me!

(NL von Zinzendorf 1700-60; translated by Jn Wesley 1703-91)