Category Archives: husband

To choose one, is to reject all other….

Leave a reply

God said, “It’s not good for the man to be alone; I’ll make him a helper, a companion.”.. God.. presented her to the man. The man said, “Finally! Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh!..” Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife. They become one flesh.

(Gen 2.18,22&23; the Message)

Find a good spouse, you find a good life – and even more; the favour of God!

Lots of people claim to be loyal and loving, but where on earth can you find one? God-loyal people, living honest lives, make it much easier for their children.

A nagging spouse is like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky tap; you can’t turn it off, and you can’t get away from it. You use steel to sharpen steel, and one friend sharpens another… Just as water mirrors your face, so your face mirrors your heart.

A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds. Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it. Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long.

(Prov 18.22, 20.6&7, 27.15-17, 31.10&11; the Message)

Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ… Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church – a love marked by giving, not getting… They’re really doing themselves a favour – since they’re already “one” in marriage,

(Eph 5.21&22, 25&27)

A number of things have combined recently to prompt me to think again about the gift and privilege which is marriage – that unique unit created by a man and a woman promising to share life and build family for as long as God grants them breath. A gift ordained from the beginning; a gift designed to maximise our thriving as God’s image bearers and stewards in his creation. A gift sadly abused, scarred, and rejected by so many as a result of what human sin has done in and with it.

The exclusivity of marriage – the fact that in choosing one, I reject all other possibilities – is for my protection, so that in giving myself freely for the good of my spouse, I can trust that I will not be exploited. He too has promised to be faithful to me, rejecting all other possibilities. With God’s help, we continue in loyal love, growing in that mutual dependence and trust which is one of the most beautiful characteristics of mature marriage. With God’s help, I am enabled to seek the good of my husband, I have the privilege of being closer to this human being than anyone else will ever be – and the responsibility of not abusing that privilege.

To love within marriage is to be utterly vulnerable, and I am constantly aware of how easily I could forfeit his trust by careless, thoughtless behaviour and cutting words. I depend on his forgiveness, daily, and thank God for the divine provision of love which helps both of us as rescued sinners to keep on loving one another, to forgive and to forget(as many times as necessary!). I am the custodian of his weaknesses and wounds – will I cherish them privately, pouring the balm of my love and gentleness into his life, or will I choose to expose them and to dishonour him? The enemy of our souls delights to undermine marriage, and tempts us to use all means within our reach to retaliate when we are hurting, but thanks be to God who provides strength and wisdom even in the moment, to resist such temptation. To love as a believer is not to seek vengeance, not to sulk, not to manipulate or plot. It is to speak truth gently, to offer love continually, and to never lose sight of the glorious privilege which I have to be married to this man, for this life.

In the new creation we are told there is no marrying and giving in marriage. I only have this life, this one marriage in which to serve my God by faithful, loving and loyal investing of my best efforts in the good of my husband. That is a sobering thought, as I cannot know how many more days or years remain to me.

Heavenly Father, author of our lives and sustainer of this marriage, I praise and thank you for the privilege of serving you here. I thank you for the honour of loving this one man, and no other. I thank you for the enabling which you provide to us, your children, as we share life, seeking to be obedient to your calling and serving the Kingdom. Lord, help me to continue in faithfulness to my vows; to love him better than anyone else – except you!; to appreciate and cherish all that he is, not boasting of his weakness, but of his strengths, of his character and all the ways that you have gifted and blessed him. Let me do him good, and not harm, all the days which you grant us together. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

30 years is but a moment in time…

Leave a reply

Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Your righteousness is like the highest mountains, your justice like the great deep. .. How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!

People take refuge in the shadow of your wings. they feast in the abundance of your house; you give them drink from your river of delights.

For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light.

(Ps 36.5-9)

Praise the Lord!

Blessed are those who fear the Lord, who find great delight in his commands. Their children will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed. Wealth and riches are in their houses, and their righteousness endures for ever. 

Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for those who are gracious and compassionate and righteous. Good will come to those who are generous and lend freely, who conduct their affairs with justice.

Surely the righteous will never be shaken; they will be remembered for ever. They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord. Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear; in the end they will look in triumph on their foes. they have freely scattered their gifts to the poor, their righteousness endures for ever; their horn will be lifted high in honour…

(Ps 112.1-9)

This weekend brings the 30th anniversary of the day when I promised to love and cherish my husband till death should part us… I have been married more than half my life, and hold this relationship to be one of God’s most precious gifts to me, in awe of the privilege of sharing life with one person, committing to faithfulness, forgiveness, patience and generosity every moment of every day for the rest of our lives together.

In the days before we married, I had some bad times of doubt, fearful of my untrustworthy feelings, and God in his mercy gave me this assurance… I knew, beyond all shadow of doubt, that I wanted to be good for this man, to see him thrive. If being married to me was part of that thriving, then I wanted to be married! That assurance has never left me, and how I thank God for it. No two marriages are the same, and I have no list of essential good habits, nor of ‘must-avoid’ mistakes, I only have faith that God who decided that marriage is a good idea, who brought us together, who keeps us together, and who has in his grace chosen to bless others through us over the years, will continue to do so as we grow older together.

As we each serve and worship God, putting him first in our lives, and sharing that priority, everything else falls into place and we depend only on him to meet our deepest needs, to be the perfect partner and Lord of our lives. No human being can always get it right, and what comfort it is to know that it is not my job to be ‘the perfect wife’! My task is to love God, and then to love others, my husband first, and to love him as Christ loved me – joyfully, sacrificially, faithfully, patiently, with understanding, grace, forgiveness and humility. It is my privilege to demonstrate Christ’s unconditional love to this human being every day. And how often I fail… But thanks be to God, who helps my husband to forgive me, and helps us both to find the will to go forward together in faith.

Thirty years… it seems barely possible, and yet the lines on my face tell me that those years have indeed passed. The children who were gifted to us are grown, and a grandchild is expected soon. We are becoming older, and please God, will do so with grace, growing in wisdom and contentment, happy that God’s faithfulness is the basis of our lives, and the theme song of our marriage.

Many do not get thirty years; some are never gifted with marriage but rather with a single life, and others experience great grief at the hands of the person whom they trusted above all others… I do not take this gift for granted, I do not elevate it as somehow superior to a single life, and pray that I may never abuse the trust which my husband puts in me, nor take advantage of his vulnerability to me. How does Christ love us? In a selfless, relentless, dependable way.. He always seeks our good, even through hard trials. Let me continue to learn what love looks like in this season of life; I don’t know how many more years I will have, nor what they will bring, but I pray God might be the one who is glorified and honoured by this marriage, as he helps me to be good for my husband.

One plus one, makes one..

1 Reply

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman’ for she was taken out of man.” For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

(Gen 2.20-24)

Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church – a love marked by giving not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her…and that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favour – since they’re already “one” in marriage. No one abuses his own body does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh”, This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it at all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honour her husband.

(Eph 5.25-33, The Message)

It is an uncomfortable truth that the hardest place to live out our faith consistently is within the walls of our own home, among people who know us inside out, and see every up and down of every day. I may be the most patient person in my workplace, but my family know only too well how short my fuse is at the end of a long day, and suffer from my bad temper and moods.

Family life, and the intimacy of marriage is where our true colours come to light, and the extent to which God’s continuing work of transforming us to be like Christ is seen. It is here that we have the chance to put the gospel into practice every day – forgiving and extending grace to others even as we depend upon God’s forgiveness and enabling. As I contemplate our son’s forthcoming marriage, I am only too painfully aware of the many ways in which I have failed to set a good example for him.

I rejoice that God is able, by his grace, to deal with the messes I have made, and thank him that my family are precious to him, so that nothing I have done or failed to do can prejudice his will for them. But I am also conscious of the need to pray for my son and daughter-in-law as they embark for themselves upon this high calling – of loving one another faithfully, through sickness and health, poverty and wealth, till death should part them. It is only by God’s help that they can do this, in a way which witnesses to the power of the gospel and to God’s love.

I rejoice that God has brought them to this commitment; and tremble at what might lie ahead for them. I rejoice in the faith that they share; and tremble as I know that they will be under assault as they explicitly pursue Christian marriage and ministry. I rejoice that my son has been given a woman who is committed to Christ first,  who knows that marriage is to be undertaken earnestly and with dependence on God; and I tremble as I know that she will be giving my son the power to nourish and cherish her, or to wound and weaken her – he is no more perfect than she!

No human marriage can reach the perfection of Christ’s love and care for his bride, the church; but we take courage from Paul’s insistence that this is the model on which we seek to live as spouses, and to pray for other marriages. God is at work for the good of his children, the church and the world through our relationships, and we can confidently depend upon him to strengthen and keep us as we ask for his help. Marriage is God’s idea, and his purpose is that it be for blessing.

As I watch my children set out on this wonderful, frustrating, exhausting, and mysterious relationship, I commit them to the Lord who loves them even more than I do, and know that they are in the safest place. As I renew my own vows in my mind, I thank the Lord for his keeping of my marriage – in spite of so much failure and sin – and pray on for his blessing of us, and through us, his church. To him be the glory, in all things!

What a faithful God…

1 Reply

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away..

(Song of Solomon 8.6&7)

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

(Col. 3.12-14)

As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children – with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.

(Ps 103.1-18)

Twenty five years ago, I stepped into the dress of which this photo is a detail, took my father’s arm, and walked down to the front of my church to meet and take vows with the man who is my husband. Four homes, two children, and two congregations later, we are still here, still married, and still utterly dependent upon our faithful God for his power to keep us together.

It is one thing, in the rosy days of romance, to say that we will love the sinner to whom we have given our promise…it is quite another to learn to do this in practice, day in and day out, through the exhaustion of early parenting, through the doldrums of teenage angst, in the face of external and internal stresses and challenges. In every situation which we face as husband and wife, we have to remember that we also face our own sinful tendencies, and the not-yet-cleansed thoughts and habits and weaknesses which can cause so much pain. As I celebrate these twenty five years, I do so with a profound awareness that it is only by God’s grace that I am still here.

Over the years, the knowledge that my father God understands all that I am facing, and all that I am forcing my husband to face, has been probably the mainstay of my strength. There is one who knows and understands, who has compassion upon my weakness and who has, in his incredible providence, already provided for the ways in which my mess will be absorbed into his amazing plan to make everything work together for his glory and my blessing. This is an indescribable relief, to know that none of it is wasted, nothing is irretrievable, and that over and under and through it all, I am loved by a perfect, powerful, and present God.

Because I am loved by God, I can love my husband; I will seek his good, pray for his walk with God, show kindness and compassion.

Because I am forgiven by God, I can forgive my husband; I will extend to him the same grace which I depend upon daily, trusting in God to enable me to refuse to harbour grudges or grievances, even as God refuses to remember my sins.

Because I am delighted in by God, I can delight in my husband; I will choose to remember and celebrate that he is unique, beloved of God, one who in the days of the new heaven and new earth will be revealed as glorious.

Because I am accepted – as one made in God’s image, being made whole and Christlike – by God, I can accept my (also a work-in-progress) husband!; I will choose to encourage and support him, to be a place where he may rest and be refreshed, to hold him in honour, as one upon whom God has set his love.

We cannot tell how many more days, or years, the Lord may grant us to walk this earth together, nor what trials may come to challenge us – and what a mercy that we should be kept in such ignorance. But we choose to say now, that we have a faithful God, and that we will trust him for what will come. May we live to be a blessing to others, and to give glory to our God, in whatever ways he may direct.

Just wondering….

Leave a reply

For I am jealous for you with the jealousy of God himself. I promised you as a pure bride to one husband – Christ. But I fear that somehow your pure and undivided devotion to Christ will be corrupted…

(2Cor 11.2&3)

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ…For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault.

(Eph 5.25-27)

Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood. For your Creator will be your husband; the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth.

(Isa 54. 4&5)

What does it mean, to call God ‘Husband’? Why do the hymns refer to Jesus as the ‘Lover of our souls’? What does it look and feel like in daily life, to live the reality of this aspect of our relationship with Almighty God?!

I wrestled for a long time with this particular imagery, and it is only in recent years that I have come to understand a little better just how sweet and precious a picture it is, and to rejoice in the reality which lies behind it. I am not planning to write some profound analysis of marriage in this column, only to try to articulate something of the blessing which it is to have Jesus as the lover of my soul, my Redeemer as my husband…

In many cultures today, the situation for women is still as it was in biblical times – an unmarried or widowed woman was without rights or status, vulnerable to exploitation and without protection. A husband was a woman’s guarantee of security, with prospects for a peaceful and fulfilling life. He took upon himself the right and duty of providing for and protecting her, and as a unit they would grow together in affection and through their daily labour, relying on and complementing one another. It is crucial to remember that the bible does not give us examples of perfect marriages to follow, but the real messy stories of human beings making an attempt to live out the ideal which God always intended for us. What we experience is only a pale imitation of the depth of union and love which God made us capable of before sin broke the lines of communication and left us vulnerable in this most foundational of relationships.

When I call Almighty God my husband, I claim the right to use his name as my own, his authority gives me status and rights to an inheritance. When I call on my Redeemer as my husband, I call on the one whose strength is sufficient to keep me through every trial and to bring me to a place of honour. The stigma of being unwanted, rejected or abandoned, is gone, because I have a husband who makes public his love for me and his commitment to my well-being – that is what happened on the cross! Jesus stretched out his arms, and said “I love you.. I am for you…you are precious and beloved, and I will do anything to ensure that you can be mine for ever”.

The words from Ephesians make it very clear that Paul understood the ‘husbanding’ of Christ in this way – “Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy…to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or blemish..”

A human husband knows that loving his wife should mean seeking the best for her – encouraging, nurturing, sometimes perhaps confronting or challenging, but always putting the fullest realisation of her potential first. A human husband also knows that he will fail, and fail often…

But our heavenly husband, our divine lover, is one who never fails in love, patience, compassion and tenderness. Oh how good it is to have such a lover, one who never fails me in my need, who never gives up on his ambition of seeing me made perfect, radiant and lovely!

Let me never give up on saying ‘I do’ daily to this dear Lord, but go on seeking to know him and his love as the foundation for my life, and as the sweetest blessing that I can share..