Category Archives: doubt

He doesn’t get tired…. ever, even of me!

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I lift up my eyes to the mountains: from where will my help come? 

My help is from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.

He does not let your foot stumble. Your guard does not slumber.

Look, He does not slumber nor does He sleep, Israel’s guard.

The Lord is your guard, the Lord is your shade at your right hand. By day the sun does not strike you, nor the moon by night. The Lord guards you from all harm, He guards your life. The Lord guards your going and your coming, now and forevermore.

(Ps 121, R Alter translation)

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

(Heb 4.15&16)

“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me – just as the Father knows me and I know the Father – and I lay down my life for the sheep…… My sheep listen to my voice; I know them and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no-one can snatch them out of my hand.”

(Jn 10.14,15,27-29

I think it is impossible for mere mortals to grasp the passionate tenderness with which our heavenly Father loves us, and which our Lord and Shepherd brings to his care for us his flock. We are not equipped to compass such depths and heights of love, and can only glimpse them, catch brief tastes of his delight in us; discern as if from afar the sweetness of his care and the power which he is continually exerting on our behalf. Those tantalising moments are enough though, aren’t they? We are lifted up to mountain tops for a little time, viewing the great glory unrolling all around us, and basking in the love of the eternal as in the rays of the sun.

Our God never fails in his care for his children; never grows tired of hearing their voices, receiving their petitions and sacrificial praise as they bring all that troubles them to his throne of mercy and grace. Our Saviour in glory bears the remembrance of our weakness and mortality, the way our burdens lie so heavy and our horizons shorten abruptly in the face of fear, illness and doubt. He never, ever, ever grows weary of lifting those burdens, wiping our tears and loving us as tenderly as only he can. I find this unbelievably comforting and it inspires me to worship and praise this loyally loving Shepherd, resting in what he has done and who he is for me and for all that is good, true and eternal. And to think that it is as I rest, as I fling my burdens at his feet over and over again, that I am worshipping and bringing him glory – what a marvellous transaction! The thing I most need to do, is the very thing which best honours my dying and rising Lord in all his glory.

Friends, let this truth be our anchor and rock as we face trials – our own, those of our family and friends, and in our wider world. No matter what is going on, the best thing to do is to bring it to the Lord, rush headlong with grief, pain, fear, doubt, weariness, the lead-weight of inexplicable suffering – and lie before him in complete honest abandonment. He will never abandon his lamb, nor spurn the cries of his beloved; he is never asleep on the job, or bored with our presence, but longs that we share it all with him.

This pattern of life doesn’t guarantee that we will see every trial fade away like dew in the warmth of the sun; even now, I can think of faithful believing friends dealing with the suicide of a spouse, the painful death-before-death of a spouse through dementia, the resurgence of cancer, the abrupt curtailing of health and strength by a stroke, the slow debilitating progress of degenerative conditions, the apparently permanent rejection by beloved children of the faith in which they were raised.. and that is before I look to wider social ills and global uncertainties. We do not become believers to become wealthy or secure in the world’s eyes, but to gain eternal life and the sure hope of a glorious future which nothing can steal from us.

For us, to live is Christ, and to die is gain – and since we must face trouble in this world, surely it is good news that we have the unwearying, loving presence of our Lord as we go, and his assurance that we are ever safe with him, no matter what happens. May He give us grace to walk by faith, day-by-day, trusting him completely, for His name’s sake, Amen.

Who(se) am I?

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“Who am I?  They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a Squire from his country house.

Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
freely and friendly and clearly,
as though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing
My throat, yearning for colours, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
thirsting for words of kindness, for neighbourliness,
tossing in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
faint, and ready to say farewell to it all.

Who am I? This or the Other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptible, woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me like a beaten army
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine,
Whoever I am, Thou Knowest, O God, I am thine.”

Dietriech Bonhoeffer (4/02/1906 – 9/04/1945)

I recently came upon a recording of this poem, read by the actor Tom Hanks, in recognition of the 80th anniversary of the death of its author, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, under the German Nazi regime, just months before the end of the war. The poem was written while Bonhoeffer was in prison from April 1943 until the end of his life, some two years later. (This link might help you find that recording for yourself https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBATNRYIBdc)

Now I have known nothing like the crushing grief, oppression and disempowerment which Bonhoeffer experienced in those last months and years – it is impossible to fully imagine such suffering. But perhaps, like me, you can identify with the profound sense of disconnect which he describes – between his public and private persona – and also the deep and agonised questioning of his true identity.. who am I, if I can behave so very differently at one moment from the next? 

I believe that God is the source of our identity – it is in His naming, shaping, saving and transforming that we find significance and value, and meaning. Before anything else, I am the beloved daughter of the Almighty, redeemed by my Saviour’s blood and therefore eternally precious and secure. With these truths, I am armoured against the assault of the enemy of my soul who would drive me down endless arid roads in quest of ‘my identity’, and I believe that without these truths, humanity is astray without a guide, vulnerable to every fad, philosophy, and addiction. Only my security as one who is known and kept by God, can keep me from losing everything in the attempt to find myself! I don’t need to prove anything, but rather receive the abundant grace of my loving Father and rest in his gift.

And that is why these words of a man of deep faith, profound intelligence and eloquence are so moving to me. In the end, after all is stripped from me – health, freedom, family, achievements – who am I? What is true about me; where can I find rest, when tossed between apparently contradictory behaviours and opinions? 

I find rest in God alone. I rest not in who I am, but in who He is – the Almighty who loved me enough to send his Son to die for me. No matter how deeply conflicted I am, this remains true – Christ died for me, and his death and resurrection are sufficient to bring me home to glory.

Can you sense the relief? Does the weight not lift from your heart? We don’t need to answer all the questions, don’t need to have it all understood and neatly organised – we are beloved, and our path lies in sovereign hands which cannot fail to deliver us to glory.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. (Ps 91.1&2)

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning… O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. (Ps 130.5-7)

(*photo of “Joan”, sculpted by Benno Schotz, 1891-1984, in the Perth Art Gallery)

If.. such a big little word

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While Jesus was in one of the towns, a man came along who was covered with leprosy. When he saw Jesus, he fell with his face to the ground and begged him, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.” Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing he said. “Be clean!” And immediately the leprosy left him.

(Lk 5.12&13)

Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him. On reaching the place, he said to them, “Pray that you will not fall into temptation.” He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down, and prayed. “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”

(Lk 22.39-42)

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”

(Jas 4.13-15)

I wonder if you, like me, can identify with the leper in his words to Jesus – “IF you are willing..”? I share the leper’s conviction that Jesus has power to save, to deliver from disease and death. I also share his awareness that it is not for us to dictate to the Sovereign King of all kings, the Ruler of God’s kingdom, the precise ways in which He should exercise that power. It is not for us to grasp every pixel in the big picture, to hold together all the threads of history as it is woven through the lives of millions, across countless thousands of years. We cannot know in detail at any one time just exactly what is best – either for ourselves, our loved ones, or our nation.

If.. is such a little word, but it holds all the dreary and debilitating power of doubt to hold us back from trusting God with all our desires, hopes and fears. We know that down the centuries, God’s children have prayed for peace and had to endure war; they have prayed for rain, and had to watch their children die due to drought; they have prayed for godly leaders, and had to endure persecution, and the authoritarian exercise of power explicitly denying God’s existence. We know from our own experience that faith in Jesus Christ as Lord of Lords and King of Kings does not give us all that we pray for, and we wrestle with disappointment, unanswered questions, crippling grief.

Is God not willing then? Have we misunderstood? I don’t think there are any straightforward responses to this little word, and the massive challenges it raises. But what do we see when Jesus used it? We see an agonised but complete submission to God’s will; a determination to surrender himself to the Love which planned the overturning of human bondage to sin and death, in spite of the price which he would personally pay.

We are called to live as those acutely aware of the frailty of life; of the uncertainty which shrouds our lives even only 24 hours ahead. God asks us to take our hands off the controls (since being ‘in control’ is an illusion in any case), and to let Him be in charge of the world and our lives. We may not always know what God might do in a particular situation – even as the leper was unsure when Jesus came to him that day – but we can always pray for God’s will to be done. We can pray with thanksgiving that in every situation, we have Christ with us and for him to be working in those situations for his glory and our blessing. We can pray for Jesus name to be honoured and for his kingdom to come, heart-by-heart, home-by-home, in our world. We can pray for the Spirit within to motivate and enable us to witness to others by word and deed. We can pray for one another as believers, that we might persevere and grow in our faith, hope and love. We can pray for those who do not believe, that they will repent and return to God before it is too late – since we know that God longs for all his children to know him..

Beloved, let us pray and not lose heart, but, confessing our doubts, bring all our burdens to God, and commit ourselves to submission to his will and obedience to his word. Let unanswered prayer, and especially what look like ‘failed’ prayers bring us quickly to God’s throne in renewed dependence, so that the devil may not render us helpless in despair. Let us pray…

Slow to learn….

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Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation. Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song.

For the Lord is the great God, the great King above all gods. In his hand are the depths of the earth, and the mountain peaks belong to him. The sea is his, for he made it, and his hands formed the dry land. 

Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the Lord our Maker; for he is our God and we are the people of his pasture, the flock under his care.

Today, if only you would hear his voice, “Do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah, as you did that day at Massah in the wilderness, where your ancestors tested me; they tried me, though they had seen what I did.”

(Ps 95.1-9)

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear… Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?… pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

(Matt 6.25-27,32-34)

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life.

(Phil 2.14-16)

Next year’s flowers are already in the making – under the ground, bulbs are putting forth roots and preparing for the right time to send up shoots. Snowdrops, aconites and the early daffodils will come first, bringing hope as they always do, in the midst of cold, dark days. The buds of next spring’s viburnum, rhododendron and azalea are forming on the branches even now – fulfilment of their maker’s plan for them is as sure as the changing of the seasons, they do not suffer doubt when the darkness comes. Indeed, the cold, short days are necessary to prompt the growth! Sadly, I am not so faithful to my maker’s plans and purposes for me, and the darkness and cold of uncertainty, grief and change often spark withdrawal, self-pity and a grumbling resentment.

Have I not learnt anything from all the faithfulness which God has shown to me and to his church? Have I not learnt from the lessons of the saints through the ages, and of those still living around me who testify to the love, power and help of their heavenly Father? Have I learnt nothing from the example of Jesus himself, who in the deepest and darkest time committed himself in faith to the Father, embracing the divine will and surrendering himself to it. After that agonised hour in the garden, Jesus never turned back, never resisted, never bemoaned his lot, but did what was necessary with an obedient and resolute heart.

It would appear that I am a very poor learner… my endurance is not with hope but with grumbling resignation; I am quick to tell my troubles instead of being quick to listen to others and taking my own burdens to God. Instead of responding with earnest and urgent petitions, I am grudging and slow to ask, unwilling to raise my expectations by praying.. God’s promises become a mockery in my ears, because they are not being fulfilled in the ways that I want..

Loving Heavenly Father, I confess today that I am not patient in my waiting, not cheerful in uncertainty, and that I am quick to resent the ways that you choose to deal with me. I confess this sin of presumption, and recognise the folly and arrogance which lies behind it – the desire to be in control.

Deliver me from this mean and petty spirit, from fretting and self-pity. Renew my hope, so that my heart is not sickened as I wait for you. Renew my faith, so that I am not tempted to make excuses or explain away the things that you choose to permit. Help me to believe in each new situation that you are at work, even though I cannot know your plans. You will fulfil your promises in new ways, because your faithfulness is unchanging. Let me be like Jesus, who embraced your will for him, and walked steadily into the darkness and the unknown. Let me honour you and choose to trust.

..is this all really for me?

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The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid? ….  For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock.

(Ps 27.1&5)

‘Very truly I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be judged but has crossed over from death to life.’

(Jn 5.24)

Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God….

The one who is victorious will not be hurt at all by the second death… To the one who is victorious, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give that person a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it..

To the one who is victorious and does my will to the end, I will give authority over the nations.. just as I received authority from my Father. I will also give that one the morning star… The one who is victorious will.. be dressed in white. I will never blot out the name of that person from the book of life, but will acknowledge that name before my Father and his angels..

The one who is victorious I will make a pillar in the temple of my God. Never again will they leave it. I will write on them the name of my God and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which is coming down out of heaven from my God, and I will also write on them my new name….

To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on his throne.

(Rev 2.7,11,17,26-28;3.5,12-13,21)

Lord God, almighty and eternally good; Heavenly Father, perfect in compassion and in saving love, hear your child this night. She is weary with loss and parting; with uncertainty and the overwhelming grief of goodbye. Have mercy on your child in her weakness, and may your compassion hem her in with protection from despair and bitterness against you.

Mighty Saviour, zealous for my salvation, transformation and adoption into your Father’s family, I rest in your completed work on my behalf and acknowledge the poverty of my own life before your perfection. I have deserved judgement and condemnation, but have received mercy and grace in abundance. Thank you that as I trust in you, I am clothed in your righteousness, called by your name, assured of a place in glory with the saints which will never be taken from me.

Because it is you, my Lord, who sits upon the throne of glory, and because you sustain your life in me by your spirit, I hold up my head and boast of your power, love and atoning sacrifice. I am kept safe in your dwelling, and have crossed over from death into eternal life – life with all the qualities of the divine; I live your life.

Because it is you, my Lord, who sits upon the throne of glory, and because you have birthed in me the desire to know and love you ever more faithfully, I am confident to face suffering and death, bearing your name and knowing that my place at your side is secure. By your help, I will honour you in all that comes to me, playing the part assigned to me.

You will be faithful to your promises. I can rest in them, and stand firm against the tide of mockery, indifference or hostility that may come. Though the darkness of human evil and the anguish of suffering may rise like a tide to wash me away, yet I will be held safe on the rock of refuge, my Lord and Saviour. You have shown me the eternal realities behind this shadow-play, and I know who it is that truly reigns – it is the Lamb, looking as one who had been slain; it is my Jesus, and I can trust him. Let me be at peace and let his promises strengthen my faith to face all that may come.

On being a coward…

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The Lord spoke to me with his strong hand upon me, warning me not to follow the way of this people. He said… do not fear what they fear, and do not dread it. The Lord Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, he is the one you are to fear, he is the one you are to dread, and he will be a sanctuary…

(Isa 8.11-13)

But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behaviour in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.

(1 Pet 3.15&16)

I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes..

(Rom 1.16)

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should. Be wise in the way you act towards outsiders, make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

(Col 4.2-6)

On so many levels, I am a coward… the story in my family as I grew up was that my first words were, “oh dear!”, doubtless expressing regret over some misdemeanour, and that has been my default setting ever since: to be the first to apologise, to apologise first and then afterwards work out what actually happened, to assume that I am in the wrong. Because so often I am! I have a deep rooted fear of doing the wrong thing, making the wrong choices, following the wrong advice and consequently messing up not only my situation, but the lives and situations of others too….

One might be generous, and call it a tender conscience.. I call it a drawback and a weakness, a hindrance to confident living as a child of God, and a form of disobedience too since it implies doubt over God’s capacity to direct me, and his grace to deal with my shortcomings. It means that I lean on the decisions of others more than I should, to direct me and set the pattern for my life; it means that I am plain terrified of making big life choices and of holding any position of responsibility whatsoever.

I say these things not because I am proud of them, nor because I want pity, but because I am at the moment acutely aware of them, and of their impact on how I am living for God in this place where we have a few short weeks remaining to us. I am the believer who shrinks from talking about the gospel because I am afraid of what the reaction of others will be; I am afraid that I can’t answer the difficult questions; I am afraid to cause offence and somehow drive people further away from Jesus.

It is easy to avoid taking the small openings for faith conversations that come my way, and then justify my failure. But the Lord knows the truth, and sees that my fear of the wrong things is holding me from obedience, faithful witness and the sowing of seeds in his name. Of what possible use is the messenger who baulks at speaking the most important part of the message with which they are entrusted?! Do I not love these folk enough to share the most important things in the world with them – the demonstration of love, the holiness of God and the offer of salvation through Jesus?

I don’t think we can accuse the great apostle Paul of being afraid to speak the truth, yet even he asked his friends to pray for him – for opportunities to speak, and for boldness, wisdom and grace to take and use those opportunities to plant kingdom seeds. So let me follow his example, and recognise the challenge and also the right way of dealing with it…

Almighty God, King above all kings, throned in splendour and light, in holiness and power beyond my imagination; I worship you today and confess my weakness and my fears. Thank you that you understand how I am made, that it is your will and purpose to make me useful in your kingdom, and that therefore you will surely enable me to speak for you when opportunity arises. Set me free from fearing anything except you; set me free to care only about pleasing you, loving those to whom you have sent me and making all that I am available to be useful according to your will. As you transform me, make me ever more Christ-centred, free to live boldly because you are my sanctuary and my glory. In the name of Jesus, my Lord, and for his glory, Amen.

a lament for the lost

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“I have surely heard Ephraim’s moaning: ‘you disciplined me like an unruly calf, and I have been disciplined. Restore me and I will return, because you are the Lord my God. After I strayed, I repented; after I came to understand, I beat my breast. I was ashamed and humiliated because I bore the disgrace of my youth.’

Is not Ephraim my dear son, the child in whom I delight? Though I often speak against him, I still remember him. Therefore my heart yearns for him; I have great compassion for him, ” says the Lord

(Jer 31.18-20)

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

(Rom 5.8)

A mother waits; no word comes. Promises are broken, excuses made and the days of silence become weeks. Love and hope are mute in her heart, only endurance is heard. She is continually braced for bad news, for more pain, another hammer blow to her hope.

A father prays; nothing seems to change. Money flows through the child’s hands to self-destruction, to profligacy and risk, to endanger the lives of others and leave lifelong scars. Disappointment threatens to spill out into words of condemnation and anger.

A child grows into independence, into a self-absorbed and reckless adulthood, where pleasure rules, and anything that hurts is drugged into silence by substances, by adrenaline, by noise and constant activity… anything rather than hear the quiet voice of loving forgiveness, the persistent whisper of regret and shame, or the weeping inner child crying for hope and love and belonging.

Lord, we live in such fear for our lost sheep. Terror shoots through us in the night as we wonder where they are, who are their companions, what is happening to them? Behind the bravado of their words, and the facade of a smiling face, we hear and see the child we loved who is lost to us, seemingly forever. We guess at the risks they take; at the damage they are doing to themselves and – we fear – to others and are convulsed by grief.

You made them beautiful in your image, gifted them with compassion, creativity, energy and insight. You made them loving in your image, destined to give and receive in trust and generosity. So many gifts being squandered in a far country, on worthless things that will not last. So much energy and ability being devoted to finding fulfilment and meaning in created things, instead of the Creator. You made them above all to know and be known by you, finding their identity, security and purpose in being your beloved children. Surely, as we weep over them, your tears fall too?

God of the lost and broken, hear our prayer for our lost sheep. We know that you see them, that their ways are not hidden from your sight, and no matter how far, fast or purposefully they run from you, they cannot outdistance your love. We know that the pain we experience is a mere echo of your loving heart for the lost of this world, so determined in rejection of you and in seeking to assuage their desperate need with other things.

God who sees, who meets the exiles in distant lands, meets the despondent in the wilderness, meets the proudly independent at the peak of their achievements, we are glad to know that you will meet our lost sheep in their chosen places. Those who have quietly walked away from faith; and those who have left a trail of destruction in their going – both are equally in need of your power to restore them to life and hope. They are astute in avoiding your people; adroit in avoiding conversations about faith; resolute in their rejection of Christ who loves them, quoting a multitude of ‘reasons’ which chime with their culture. But your Spirit is not bound, and your voice is not silenced. Speak to them we pray, loudly and clearly, persistently and tenderly. Break down their defences, undermine their arguments, make them profoundly dissatisfied with all that has mattered to them, so that their hunger drives them home to you. 

How long must we wait for them? How much damage must they do before they come to their senses? You see and know and love them, will you not lay hold upon them in power today, and deliver them from the spirits which bind them to darkness, rebellion and unbelief? Your Son died for them, rose to deliver them into your family as redeemed children with a place in glory, shall his labours not bear fruit in these lives?

Lord, have mercy; Christ, have mercy; Lord, have mercy.

Choosing…

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In that day you will say: “I will praise you, O Lord. Although you were angry with me, your anger has turned away and you have comforted me. Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song, he has become my salvation.” With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation.  

In that day you will say: “Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done, and proclaim that his name is exalted. Sing to the Lord, for he has done glorious things; let this be known to all the world. Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion, for great is the Holy One of Israel among you.”

(Isa 12)

Meanwhile, we’ve got our hands full continually thanking God for you, our good friends – so loved by God! God picked you out as his from the very start. Think of it: included in God’s original plan of salvation by the bond of faith in the living truth. This is the life of the spirit he invited you to through the message we delivered, in which you get in on the glory of our master, Jesus Christ.

So, friends, take a firm stand, feet on the ground and head high. Keep a tight grip on what you were taught, whether in personal conversation or by our letter. May Jesus himself and God our Father, who reached out in love and surprised you with gifts of unending help and confidence, put a fresh heart in you, invigorate your work, enliven your speech…. Because of the master, we have great confidence in you. We know you’re doing everything we told you and will continue doing it. May the master take you by the hand and lead you along the path of God’s love and Christ’s endurance.

(2 Thess 2.13-17; 3.4-5)

Against my fears, my doubts, my ignorance, I trust in thee, O father of my Lord!

The world went on in this same broken dance when, worn and mocked, He trusted and adored:

I too will trust, and gather my poor best to face the truth-faced false. So, in his nest I shall awake at length, a little scarred and scored.

(from: Diary of an Old Soul, by George Macdonald, 1905)

What will I do when my culture, my friends and some of those closest to me reject my faith and think me deluded? What will I do when the revelation on which my faith rests makes absolutely no sense in the thinking of my society – and in my heart I recognise how utterly alien it is? What will I do when my most earnest prayers, for God to glorify himself and transform lives, go unanswered?

I look over the brink at unbelief and tremble; I listen to assumptions of those who reckon it will all be ok, and wonder at how they get there. I turn again to the good news of Jesus, and find that he too faced mockery and unbelief, and yet held firm to his task, trusting absolutely in his Father’s love, power and purpose in and through his suffering and death.

I choose to hold fast – God helping me – to what I can know of Jesus; to what he told me about himself and his task; to what he told me about the character of my Creator and the place which is prepared for me in the age to come. It may seem nonsense to some, but it makes more sense to me than anything else has ever done.

I choose to believe, especially where I cannot understand and in spite of the mockery which such belief provokes in this sceptical age, that the God revealed to me through the Hebrew Scriptures, and affirmed as Father by my Lord Jesus, is absolutely just, loving, powerful and sovereign, and that when all things temporal are wound up and we enter into life eternal in glory, we will have no doubts left about him.

I choose to give thanks, for what I can know, can see, can experience here and now of all the good things which are poured into my life and which bring daily tokens of love from my Father’s heart. I give thanks for the revelation which I have in the bible, those parts which comfort as well as those parts which leave me baffled and uncomfortable – God forbid that I should ever think myself fully comprehending the mystery of his character, power and eternal nature! I give thanks for the global church, witnessing in so many places to lives transformed by Jesus’ love and sacrifice, which strengthens and encourages me to persevere in faith.

Master, take us by the hand and lead us along the path of the Father’s love and Christ’s endurance, by your Spirit at work within us day by day. May we glorify you, growing in faith and quiet trust, bearing fruit for Jesus, in whose name we pray, Amen.

But…Lord, I don’t understand, forgive me…

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The Lord said to Job: “Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!…Would you discredit my justice? Would you condemn me to justify yourself? Do you have an arm like God’s and can your voice thunder like his?”

(Job 40.1&2,8&9)

Then Moses said, “Now show me your glory.” And the Lord said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the Lord in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion…..The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished…

(Ex 33.18&19; 34.6&7)

Watch out that no-one deceives you….You will hear of wars and rumours of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of the birth pains.. you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death because of me.. many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations

(Matt 24.4-14)

I am back on familiar ground, wrestling with the sheer scale of human suffering – today and in the past, and in the future as it seems to be unfolding before our very eyes. Wrestling with the tension between the revelation of God’s love and power and will to save as seen in Jesus, and the heartbreaking cry which is going up every hour of every day as people face pain, horror, oppression and death without hope.

The very doubts which arise in my mind make me feel guilty – adding to the messy and distressing nature of the fight. And yet, I think of Job who cried out in his agony and loss, and whom God commended for speaking truth about the Almighty – truth about God’s justice and holiness and absolute trustworthiness. And I think of Jesus, in very nature God and able to heal, resurrect and create new life, who nonetheless spoke to his disciples that they would ‘always have the poor with them’, and whose mission in his short life was not to tackle social justice, create an ideal state, overthrow the oppression of women, or heal every illness and deformity which could be found in the world in his time. 

If Jesus had a different, and greater, agenda, then is it not possible for me to try to grasp that other agenda too, to begin to see beyond this world and its very real troubles to the greater and more glorious reality beyond? Am I so embedded in the physical present that I cannot even begin to understand or imagine there might be something immeasurably better? May I not learn to trust that there is something worth hanging onto beyond the immediate and enveloping misery which clouds my vision of the world?

God tells us that his ways are higher than ours, and yet to our shame we continue to fall into the devil’s trap of sitting in judgement on the Divine, of weighing God’s plans and purposes by human values. Surely this must be one of the forms by which ‘wickedness’ has increased, so that so many in the world today are deceived into condemning God without really listening to the gospel and to the claims which Jesus made for himself. As CS Lewis put in the title of his book, we put ‘God in the dock’, and having found fault with the plans of the Almighty, decide he is untrustworthy, and not to be considered in any of our thinking about life and creation.

With shame, I confess it again, I really struggle with these great unanswered questions, these mysteries which surround God’s great plan of redemption. I pray, “Thy will be done..” and then am tempted to add a qualifier – “but not if anyone is going to get hurt by it…” 

Father God, I believe that you could end all human suffering and pain tomorrow, if it were your plan and purpose to do so; if by that means, all glory would go to your Son my Saviour. And so I pray, “thy will be done, on earth, as it is in heaven”. Help me, dear Father, to trust you for the prayers which seem unanswered, for the answers that involve ongoing mess and pain for billions around the world. And dear Father, forgive and cleanse me of this arrogance, this pride which keeps on rearing its head and demanding that you give account of yourself to me, for my approval. I am so ashamed to recognise this attitude in my heart. Thank you for the mercy which I have in Jesus, so that my sin is forgiven in his name. May my passion be for the proclamation of that mercy to all nations, so that he might be glorified, and your kingdom come on earth.