Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm.  He said : “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundations? .. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know? Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone – while all the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?

“Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place, that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it?… Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been shown to you?.. Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?”

(Job 38, extracts)

My heart is not proud, O Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. 

But I have stilled and quietened my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, put your hope in the Lord both now and evermore.

(Ps 131)

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.. and hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

(Rom 5.1,2&5)

I sometimes feel that I have spent much of my adult life trying on different roles, looking at other people and wondering if I ought to be more like them. As I approach my elder years, the pattern persists, and my thoughts continually dwell on what I ought to be doing as a responsible, adult, servant of God – doing with my time, my talents, my body. I can’t seem to get to the place of peaceful maturity which I see in so many other people, and which looks so comfortable! I know that my salvation and identity as God’s beloved child is assured to me, and to that degree, I am at peace with my Father because I live in his love – the only true foundation for peace in this world.

But I remain restless and deeply unsure about what my time and energies are for.. I try one thing, then another; I compare my life and habits to other people and wonder if their pattern is the one for me. I hear an interminable inner monologue of doubt and uncertainty; and underlying that doubt is a major weakness, which is the desire for someone else to tell me exactly what I am for and how that should work itself out day-to-day in my life.

The monologue has been particularly loud in recent weeks, and while I am – obviously – praying for wisdom and the Lord to be working through this to bring me to a fresh discernment and peace in His calling, I also need to be actively seeking ways to switch off the inner voice.. This morning, that looked like a walk near our house, which takes me by a swiftly running river, through great trees and a broad parkland, past beautiful buildings and hardly any busy roads. It was a deliberate step into God’s handiwork, and having chosen to leave my phone at home, it was also a choice to keep all my senses engaged with my surroundings.

And how quickly the Lord met me with his gifts of love – the sense of cold fresh air on my skin; the beauty of the great cedar tree reflected in the water; the calm and focussed absorption of the fisherman with his graceful line floating over the surface; the fascinating immobility of a heron, sheltering in a waterside thicket and seeking food; the sound of running water and the joyous abandon of a dog racing after a ball, every line of its body expressing the joy of being alive.

I returned home refreshed in spirit, and full of thankfulness for the miracle which it is to be alive in God’s good world, and to see, hear, taste and touch the good things which He so generously gives. I am calmed, and reminded that it is ok not to understand, ok to find life overwhelming at times, ok just to slow right down and to be.

Loving Father, I thank and praise you for the gift of this day’s life in your amazing creation. I thank you for the truth that I am safe in your arms, and you love me – no matter what muddles I get into in my thinking about what I am for. Thank you that you delight in me as I am. Thank you that you are so much greater than I can possible imagine, and that your love will never run out. In Jesus’ name, Amen.