Tag Archives: Bonhoeffer

Who(se) am I?

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“Who am I?  They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a Squire from his country house.

Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
freely and friendly and clearly,
as though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing
My throat, yearning for colours, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
thirsting for words of kindness, for neighbourliness,
tossing in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
faint, and ready to say farewell to it all.

Who am I? This or the Other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptible, woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me like a beaten army
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine,
Whoever I am, Thou Knowest, O God, I am thine.”

Dietriech Bonhoeffer (4/02/1906 – 9/04/1945)

I recently came upon a recording of this poem, read by the actor Tom Hanks, in recognition of the 80th anniversary of the death of its author, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, under the German Nazi regime, just months before the end of the war. The poem was written while Bonhoeffer was in prison from April 1943 until the end of his life, some two years later. (This link might help you find that recording for yourself https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBATNRYIBdc)

Now I have known nothing like the crushing grief, oppression and disempowerment which Bonhoeffer experienced in those last months and years – it is impossible to fully imagine such suffering. But perhaps, like me, you can identify with the profound sense of disconnect which he describes – between his public and private persona – and also the deep and agonised questioning of his true identity.. who am I, if I can behave so very differently at one moment from the next? 

I believe that God is the source of our identity – it is in His naming, shaping, saving and transforming that we find significance and value, and meaning. Before anything else, I am the beloved daughter of the Almighty, redeemed by my Saviour’s blood and therefore eternally precious and secure. With these truths, I am armoured against the assault of the enemy of my soul who would drive me down endless arid roads in quest of ‘my identity’, and I believe that without these truths, humanity is astray without a guide, vulnerable to every fad, philosophy, and addiction. Only my security as one who is known and kept by God, can keep me from losing everything in the attempt to find myself! I don’t need to prove anything, but rather receive the abundant grace of my loving Father and rest in his gift.

And that is why these words of a man of deep faith, profound intelligence and eloquence are so moving to me. In the end, after all is stripped from me – health, freedom, family, achievements – who am I? What is true about me; where can I find rest, when tossed between apparently contradictory behaviours and opinions? 

I find rest in God alone. I rest not in who I am, but in who He is – the Almighty who loved me enough to send his Son to die for me. No matter how deeply conflicted I am, this remains true – Christ died for me, and his death and resurrection are sufficient to bring me home to glory.

Can you sense the relief? Does the weight not lift from your heart? We don’t need to answer all the questions, don’t need to have it all understood and neatly organised – we are beloved, and our path lies in sovereign hands which cannot fail to deliver us to glory.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. (Ps 91.1&2)

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning… O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. (Ps 130.5-7)

(*photo of “Joan”, sculpted by Benno Schotz, 1891-1984, in the Perth Art Gallery)

Let me pay attention..

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David praised the Lord in the presence of the whole assembly, saying,

“Praise be to you, O Lord, God of our father Israel, from everlasting to everlasting. Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendour, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all. Wealth and honour come from you; you are the ruler of all things. In your hands are strength and power to exalt and give strength to all. Now, our God, we give you thanks, and praise your glorious name…. Everything comes from you, and we have given you only what comes from your hand.”

(1Chron 29.10-14)

“I am the Lord, and there is no other. I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the Lord, do all these things. You heavens above, rain down righteousness; let the clouds shower it down. Let the earth open wide, let salvation spring up, let righteousness grow with it; I, the Lord, have created it.”

(Isaiah 45.6-8)

..for I am sure we ought to love God in our lives and in all the blessings he sends us. We should trust him in our lives, so that when our time comes, but not before, we may go to him in love and trust and joy… We ought to find God and love him in the blessings he sends us.. Once a man has found God in his earthly bliss and has thanked him for it, there will be plenty of opportunities for him to remind himself that these earthly pleasures are only transitory…. But everything in its season, and the important thing is to keep step with God.

(Dietrich Bonhoeffer;  from Letters to a friend, in ‘Letters & papers from prison’: SCM 1953)

I have been privileged these past few years to live in one of the loveliest places, where the view from my kitchen sink is a panorama of mountains and water, with ever changing light, and a richness of colours and textures that intoxicate the heart. The lavish outpouring of beauty is a constant challenge to my capacity for thanksgiving, and at times I am moved to tears, overwhelmed by the generosity of the Lord who gives good gifts to his children.

I believe that our future as believers holds something even better, even more glorious than what I now enjoy – a new creation where all that moves us now will be found to be a faint echo of what God plans, and we will need our resurrection bodies in order to contain and express the joy that we will feel as we live there without sin or grief or death.

Even as I anticipate that future though, I am called by God to live in the present. I cannot be in two places or times at once, and He knows that! It is my task and joy to live here, now, to be fully present for those around me, and also – wonderfully – to enjoy all the good things he has provided for me in the present. Yes, these are all gifts which, having been given, may be withdrawn – but that is in His hands, and how churlish, thankless and downright foolish it would be of me to refuse to enjoy them now because one day they will be gone! I honour and praise the King of heaven most fully when I receive and use and appreciate what he has given me each hour and day.

It is my experience that in the midst of grief, and even of near despair, the Lord of my heart is offering me his good gifts – whether in the love and kindness of friends, the power of music to speak comfort, the beauty of the tiniest detail in nature – and I am so thankful that he has taught my eyes and heart to be attentive, so that I can receive these messages of love and the assurance they give of his presence, his power, his faithfulness and his greatness. I rejoice that the human frame is so fashioned by our God that we can experience joy in the midst of sorrow, and light in the midst of darkness, and even as we acknowledge our limitations and needs to Him, we are held and loved and known – what inexpressible comfort there is in such intimate care.

May the Lord give us attentive hearts to receive all the good things he has provided for us today, may he give us thankful hearts to use and appreciate his gifts, may he give us grace to fully enjoy those gifts while never forgetting that the best is yet to come.  Though it may lie on the other side of pain and loss, yet it is guaranteed to us as his beloved children. Dear friends, take hold of your days as gifts, relish and cherish them and lay them at his feet each evening as a thank offering, not fearing what the morrow may bring because he will still be with you when it comes.