As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. Where can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” These things I remember as I pour out my soul; how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.

My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon – from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me – a prayer to the God of my life. 

I say to God my Rock, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy? My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.

(Ps 42)

Do you ever get overwhelmed by the sheer painfulness of living as a sinner among sinners? Of receiving within your own heart and life the impact of the sin of others, and living with the consequences of your own sin? I do, and right now, I am acutely aware of it.

Sometimes, it seems that I am being carried along and can bear with what others do to me, graciously trusting God for good to come from suffering, as the bible teaches it will. But not now, not today. Today I am frantic, desperate, battering myself as a wave against the cliffs, against what feel like unfulfilled promises, and with little appetite for persevering in hope. Although I have no obvious mortal enemies, yet I can fully identify with the psalmist who is crying to God for a clear sense of His presence and protection against all that is assaulting him.

How can I know God’s presence when I am only acutely aware of the ways that I am being hurt by others, not deliberately, only as a result of their own brokenness which should call forth my best forgiving love and compassion – even as my failures call forth the love and forgiveness of my Saviour? My despair and pain feel like a betrayal of God’s goodness, the voice of my accuser whispers, “If you were really mature as a believer, you wouldn’t collapse like this when others hurt you.”

What does the believer do in these circumstances? How may I ask for prayer for myself, and pray for my brothers and sisters as they also may experience this pain?

I take note of the psalmist’s wisdom in pouring the whole sorry mess out before God, who knows all the details and has an more intimate and profound understanding of His child’s reactions, both the healthy and the unhealthy ones. I take note of the wisdom which speaks directly to the frantic and despairing soul, exhorting a holding on, stubborn hope – that same stubbornness with which Jacob wrestled with the angelic visitor, determined not to let go until he had received a blessing. What blessing do I need in the midst of my own midnight wrestling? I need to know the presence of my God, the one whose song over me is of His love and eternal faithfulness

Perhaps it is ok to wrestle with wounds, with weakness and weariness; perhaps this fight itself is a means of blessing, since it drives me straight to the throne of grace for mercy and help in my time of acute need. My beloved Father knows me, and His love will not fail to minister to my wounds – and because He understands exactly how I am made, He alone can touch the places that most need comfort and healing.

Dear Father, your daughter is in a sorry state today, and she cries to you in her distress. Thank you for the relief of tears, for the kindness of friends and their prayers, and thank you above all for your goodness to her in ministering to her deepest need – which is to know your presence and lovingkindness that never fail. Surely, goodness and mercy will follow her and all your children down the days and years until the time of sorrows is forgotten.