“You’re kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you. Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don’t make a performance out of it. It might be good theatre, but the God who made you won’t be applauding. When you do something for someone else, don’t call attention to it..”

(Matt 5.48-6.2)

Something relatively trivial happened today, a long-awaited plan to meet a friend fell through due to an error on my part in naming the date. She had arranged her diary to accommodate me on one day, but I was hoping to see her the next day… Two disappointed people, and one with every good reason to be irritated at the other! And my reaction to the discovery that it was my error gave me pause to reflect… Why was I so upset? My friend has (I think) forgiven me and we will manage a short meeting, but I am left with a rather sick feeling and discomfort. I realised that it is because I am rather proud of myself as a friend – as the one who keeps appointments, makes a lot of effort to maintain relationships – and this episode has undermined that good opinion! I have been gently and clearly reminded that I am mortal, frail and as prone to error as my neighbour – there are no grounds for pride here, only gratitude for the kindness and friendship of others who are willing to forgive me.

This small event has also served as a reminder of the larger and more important relationship in my life – with Jesus my Lord, and my Heavenly Father, with whom I live by the Spirit at work in me. I need to guard against the temptation to think well of myself as a believer, to remember that of myself, I could do nothing towards my salvation and that I am utterly dependent on my Father’s love and the Son’s atoning death in order to receive the kindness and forgiveness which I need. I will never deserve God’s goodness, in the same way that I do not deserve the kindness of my friends. But I am so grateful for both!

Some of Jesus’ harshest words were for those who were proud of their spiritual habits, performance and status, whose self-worth derived in large part from being known for their public piety, generosity and diligent attendance at synagogue or temple. Believers are just as vulnerable to this trap, whereby the devil twists what are actually good habits into becoming a source of false pride. When we like to be thought of by others as somehow extra-specially holy, biblically knowledgeable, or prayerful, then we are trapped into performance and base our worth on actions instead of on Christ’s sacrificial death for us.

I am brought back over and over again to the truth that it is only in God’s naming of us as his beloved, redeemed children that we find our significance and self-worth. When I begin to value the opinion of others (and my own opinion of myself), then I am drifting away from my only security, which is in Christ. I want to be kept prayerfully aware of my own weakness in this regard; to keep asking to be cleansed by the Spirit from all false pride in myself and filled instead with gratitude for what I have been made by Christ, and am being enabled daily to do by the Spirit. If there is any pride, then it should be in my Saviour, by whose blood I am bought, and whose life in me is the source of all that is good.

This reliance upon Christ alone also releases me from excessive reaction to my own ongoing weakness. My friend knows my heart and has forgiven me – I am not less in her eyes because of my error. How much more does Jesus know my heart, and forgive my errors! I need not spiral down into self-condemnation after making mistakes, but instead rejoice that my value as a person in God’s sight is unchanged! His hold on me is as firm and tenderly secure as it will ever be, and my experiences of failure or error simply make his love and faithfulness to me even more precious and life-giving. I truly rest in him, I give over the burdens and accept in return the weighty gift of grace.