When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterwards you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion for ever.. But as for me, it is good to be near God.

(Ps 73.21-28)

There is a gulf between the truth that I know, and my daily experience of living. There is a gap between what the bible teaches is true about me as a beloved child of God, with every reason to rejoice daily and to live in confident freedom; and the actual lived failure to find hope, to experience joy, to break out of a pessimistic and apathetic attitude to life. I can completely identify with the psalmist, describing a grieving and bitter heart…

I feel shame that the truth cannot banish the feelings, cannot move my perception of reality from my mind to my heart and emotions. I feel shame that I can’t seem to live in joy and peace and freedom, but am as one removed, behind a shield which hems me in with weariness and hopelessness, so that I long to be away from this body of death and sphere of failure. How can I as a believer even think this way? The truth exists to set me free, so how can I be in such bondage? There is a struggle, a desperate fight to regain courage, to find hope, to connect again with joy. And I am so tired of fighting every day…

Is it a passing phase? I hope so, but nonetheless intense and real while it lasts, so how do I deal with it as a believer? What is my witness while I endure? I cannot lie, I must speak truth and this is the reality today – the gap between what my faith tells me is true, and how I feel seems so deep and so wide, I cannot cross it.

I have been here before, and hold on to the assurance that it has passed and will pass again. But meantime, I am struggling each day to find motivation, to want to serve, to want to do anything at all – the weariness is real. I know I should preach truth to myself, should exhort and encourage but it feels pointless, as though I am cut off from God’s power. His strength does not fail, nor does his loving kindness. And yet.. my heart is failing, my spirit is so weary of trying and so ashamed of failing again, and again, and again..

Grant me grace, God grant me grace, for in you I have taken shelter, and in your wing’s shadow do I shelter until disasters pass.

I call out to God the most high, to [him] who requites me. He will send from the heavens and rescue me.. God will send his steadfast kindness…

My heart is firm, O God, my heart is firm. Let me sing and hymn. Awake, O lyre, awake, O lute and lyre. I would awaken the dawn. Let me acclaim you among the peoples, Master. Let me hymn you among the nations.

For your kindness is great to the heavens, and to the skies your steadfast truth.

(Ps 57, R Alter translation)

Father, consider your daughter today in her distress, shame and weariness. Have mercy on her, and come in tender reassurance. You know her heart is troubled by this season of apathy and weariness; troubled by the lack of joy and motivation; so deeply disappointed in her failures. 

Send from your throne my Father, send your Spirit in power to set me free to walk in peace again, to know joy and an appetite for living in spite of all my failures and shortcomings. O Father, help me to believe in grace and forgiveness in such a way that they make a difference to my life and I can live confident in you, witnessing to your goodness, love and transforming power.

In the name of my beloved Lord Jesus, who died so that I might be set free from bondage, might live to know and love and be loved, Amen.